The Sato Series, Episode 3: a new Frontier

I would stand outside with my mouth open wide, oh

I would never mind if the sun would never shine, oh,

I’d keep a’wishin’ for raindrops all the time,

If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops, oh what a rain it would be!
Kathryn Janeway chuckled to herself, thinking how her prison camp-hardened former chief of tactical and security could sing nursery rhymes with the best of them. She could see Laren’s potential, the other side of that coin, and it was a much shinier coin than she had expected, especially considering how tarnished it had seemed once. Suddenly it was apparent to her what Kit saw in Ro Laren. What Kieran had seen. And what Jenny and Emily were beginning to see as well.
Chance Thompson giggled and laughed at Laren, who was talking nonsense to her again and making silly sounds. Chance was as smitten with the Bajoran as Kit had been.
“Well, since we’ve all warmed up, Na, play some carols we can all sing,” Kathryn requested.
“Okay,” Naomi agreed, kissing Geejay’s soft blond hair. “Will you let me up, sweetie?”
“Okay,” Geejay agreed. “I want to sit with Aunt Cam anyway,” she decided.
Katie scowled at her. “She’s not your aunt, dufus, she’s my aunt,” she sounded superior.
Cameron held out her arms to Geejay.
“Is that true, Aunt Cam?” Geejay asked, feelings wounded.
“Honey,” Cameron kissed her forehead, gathering the young girl in her lap, “I am every bit as much your aunt as I am Katie’s, I promise,” she replied. “And I love you just as much as I love her.”
Geejay put her arms around Cameron’s neck. “Thanks. I love you, too. You’re not a plasma dampener, like some people,” she said to Katie.
Naomi played carols and the whole crew sang, and more pie was eaten, and children fell asleep and were carried off to beds.
Ro Laren sat by the fire with Kit’s head in her lap, reading the book of poetry Jenny had written. She leafed through the volume of works, and a title caught her eye.
Laren Reborn
she sees the world through dark, bruised eyes

where scar tissue obscures

and memories lurk

hidden away from the light

she’s slinking down tunnels in silence

where no one knows she is beautiful

and when the night is blackest

just before the dawn

she cowers as the morning breaks inside

splintered glass in the sun

emergent, pale, fragile

she sparkles

she shouts down her memories

she sweeps out the shadows

she shimmers with new promise

and learns to see all over again

Laren read it several times, stunned. Her throat tightened at the thought that this was how Jenny saw her. And on the opposite page, Jenny had sketched her, a brooding, serious expression, eyes downcast, thoughtful.
Laren remembered her mother, then, the poetry she had penned, and the things Laren had learned from reading it as an adult. It was only because her mother had been a poet that Laren decided to try her own hand at the muse. She closed her eyes, trying to picture her mother’s face, an image that at the best of times was elusive, and at the worst of times, virtually impossible to conjure up. For some reason, she had never called up the photos of her mother on the LCARS system, even though she knew they were in the database for Bajor. She leafed through the book Jenny had made for her, admiring the sketches, and then she nearly dropped them. There, staring back at her, was a feature-perfect watercolor of her mother. Jenny had no doubt accessed the LCARS record from the Ro family, and found the press photos that Laren’s mother had used during her years as a celebrity. Laren’s hands visibly shook as she looked into the dark, solemn eyes of her mother, a mirror image of her own. She had remembered that her mother was beautiful, and yet, the woman peering out at her from the page looked remarkably like herself.
Jenny was sitting across the floor, leaning against Emily’s legs as Emily sat in a chair. Jenny watched Laren’s face, watched the emotions playing there, and knew which poem Laren was reading. And then Laren looked at her, a questioning expression on her face, and Jenny knew she had turned the page to find the picture of her mother. Jenny loved her face, loved the way she quirked an eyebrow with the slightest movement, the way her high, fine cheekbones made her lips look so full. Ro Laren was exquisitely sculpted, refined, porcelain skinned, graceful, elegant. Just like her mother had been. Jenny met her gaze, unwavering. She eased up from the floor and walked across the room to where Laren sat, smiling down at her.
“It’s snowing out. Let’s go for a walk,” she said quietly.
Laren nodded. “Kit,” she leaned down and kissed her lover, “we’ll be back soon.”
“Don’t be long, honey. We’re going sledding at midnight,” she reminded her.
“No, I won’t be long,” Laren replied, easing Kit out of her lap. “If you leave without us we’ll catch up.”
Jenny held out her hand to Ro Laren, boosting her off the floor. “I’ll get our coats,” was all she said.
The night was bitter cold, and the wind was more active than the night before, with chilling gusts that blew the falling snow around them in swirling flurries. Laren kept one hand stuffed in her coat pocket, holding Jenny’s hand with the other, leaning into the breeze when it blustered. Jenny led her through the yard and beside the guest house, which used to be the barn. The building made a wind break, and Jenny stopped, leaning against the wall.
Laren regarded her silently. She breathed deeply, in, out, the way Kit had taught her. “Is that really how you see me?”
“Laren Reborn?” Jenny clarified. Laren nodded. “Yes. You’re learning to see the world differently now, and that new vision has made you reborn. You’re reinventing yourself.”
“She’s slinking down tunnels in silence where no one knows she is beautiful?” she asked, quoting the poem.
Jenny smiled. “You are beautiful, Ro Laren,” she said softly, touching the Bajoran’s cheek. “And anyone with eyes can see that. But the part people don’t see is the inner beauty you hide behind your defenses. Only now, that’s starting to show, too,” she added gently. “It’s wonderful to see, that’s all.”
Laren kicked at the snow with her boot. “I love the poems, Jen, all of them. It’s just a little—intimidating, I suppose, to realize you’re thinking about me long enough to write something like that, or to sketch me. You’re an excellent artist, by the way,” she added softly.
Jenny smiled. “Okay,” she lifted Laren’s chin. “Now try saying that while you actually make eye contact,” she teased.
“I didn’t?” Laren asked, feeling off balance at the nearness of Jenny’s breath, her smile, her eyes. “It’s not always easy for me to make eye contact with you,” she admitted.
Jenny cocked her head to one side. “It’s not? Why?”
Laren averted her eyes again. “I don’t know, Jen. It just isn’t.”
Jenny held Laren’s face in both hands. “Look at me, Laren,” she requested. “Why is that so hard?”
Laren met her eyes, endless, accepting eyes that were warm, yet the color of snow. “It feels like you can see inside me,” she admitted, taking Jenny’s hands away.
Jenny kissed her forehead. “Ji’talia,” she said sweetly, “is there something you don’t want me to see?” she asked.
“It’s not that I want to hide things from you. It’s just that I’m conditioned to hide things. You can’t understand, unless you’ve interacted with Cardies, Jen. They get inside your head and find your weaknesses and use them against you. You learn not to let people see inside you, because it gives them ammunition. With the Cardies—how do I make you understand? They make you think they care about you, they befriend you, and then they use your reliance upon that friendship to hurt you. You learn quickly to hide emotionally for self-preservation. And now it’s a habit. I do it with you, with everyone, except Kit. I just learned it’s dangerous to let anyone see your feelings. And so I learned not to have any at all,” she explained.
“That must be frightening, then, letting yourself love Kit,” she empathized.
Laren sighed. “The scarier thing is that now I’m starting to love you all, this whole family. And that’s a lot of risk. But I need that connectedness so much, I can’t let myself withdraw again. Just living with you all is huge for me. But last night, sleeping in the same bed with three other people, that was a big surrender on my part. It’s very confusing. And when I look you in the eye, it knocks my pins out from under me.”
Jenny nodded. “Because you have to confront that you do have feelings, no matter how much you’ve learned not to?” she asked.
Laren bit her lip. “I guess that is it,” she realized. “I look at you and—” Laren’s chest constricted, and her heart pounded in her ears. She tried, but the words wouldn’t come out, sticking in the back of her throat. Her dark eyes glistened in the reflected light from the snow, and Jenny felt such a wave of tenderness.
Jenny tucked Laren’s raven hair behind her ears, studying her face. “You what? Laren, just say it,” she requested.
Laren let the air escape from her lungs. “You’re starting to matter to me, to be important to me. And I feel conflicted. Sometimes it makes me think I’m a terrible person for keeping Kit to myself, for depriving you and Ems of her attention and affection, and I think I should just leave. Only now, it wouldn’t just be leaving Kit, it would be leaving the family I’m part of through Kit.”
Jenny regarded her with the tenderest expression. “You have to believe me when I say this, Laren. It started out that way, most definitely, that you belonged to our family through Kit. But for me, it’s not like that now. You belong through you, separate and distinctly from Kit. I was thinking about that today at breakfast, watching you. If you and Kit somehow broke up, I still wouldn’t want you to leave our home. I’m attached to you. So is Emily. In the beginning, we wanted you with us for Kit’s sake. But now it’s for our own,” she said warmly.
Laren met Jenny’s eyes then, forcing herself not to retreat. “Thank you, Jenny. Of all the gifts I got today, knowing that is more valuable to me than any of them,” she said quietly, voice barely a whisper. She touched Jenny’s face, gazing up at her. Laren could see Jenny’s acceptance in her expression, her welcome, and it made Laren’s throat burn with vulnerability. When she felt overcome by how exposed she was, she leaned her forehead against Jenny’s lips. “I’m trying, Jen,” she whispered. “I’m trying to let you both in.”
Jenny smiled, lifting Laren’s face, keeping her from looking away. “Averone,” she said softly. “I’m waiting outside that door. I’m trying just as hard to be patient while you try to open it. If I can help you, I will,” she offered.
“You are helping,” Laren assured her, brushing her fingers over Jenny’s soft brown hair. “You just keep reaching out to me in ways that move me, and I can’t keep the door locked, anymore. Now I don’t even want to. Jen, you’re learning my language, my culture, my history, and that just floors me, the level of investment you’re willing to make. I can’t imagine sharing anything as personal as my poetry, but you shared yours with me, and it touched me so much,” she said sincerely.
Jenny took her hands. “You write poetry, Averone? I’d love to read it sometime.”
Laren blushed. “Maybe. It’s pretty dark, though. It might shock you.”
“I don’t think anything you do or say could shock me, Laren. I know what your life has been like, at least in an abstract way. I admire you so much for all the things you’ve survived. I know what an inherently weak person I am, and I know if I had been in your shoes, I’d have laid down and died long ago. That you face every new day is a miracle to me, but that you do it smiling, now—I’m just so proud to be your friend,” she praised the older woman.
Laren smirked. “Never in my life did I think anyone would be proud to know me,” she laughed. “That’s almost a disturbing concept,” she teased. “I used to think Kit was crazy for wanting me in her life, considering how bad my reputation in Starfleet has been. But since I couldn’t convince her to go away and not risk wrecking her own image, I’ve just been trying to improve my own to lessen the negative impact on hers. I’m afraid that it’s a case of too little, too late, though,” she said pensively.
“Not with this crew, it’s not,” Jenny encouraged her. “Kathryn, Kieran, they make redemption possible, even for a fuck up like Ben Mason. How much more so for someone with valuable skills and ideas, with solid contributions to offer? They are all about growing our careers. They work very hard at it. And they have given you huge responsibilities and Laren, that says so much about how much they believe in you—how much we all do. It’s never too late to change. You’re living proof every single day you put on your uniform. Sometimes, I look at you across the breakfast table, and I think about your pips, and how many milestones each one of them represents, how much you’ve been through to earn every one of them. It gives me chills, Ji’talia. You couldn’t have a more devoted cheering section than the Wildman clan, you know,” she said, grinning.
“Thanks, Jen. I never realized I was under such scrutiny while I’m eating my toast,” she laughed. Her face sobered, and she relinquished a wall, consciously took it down to admit the next bit of her vulnerability. “But I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I realize now that maybe I wouldn’t have had to spend years stuck in that dolamide mine, breathing toxic dust and starving to death incrementally, if only I had let myself care enough about other people that they would have cared back. I think about Seven and Kieran and how many people were willing to do almost anything to find them—how much everyone loves them, and was devastated when they disappeared. And I think, maybe if I had made the sorts of ties they have to other people, someone might have cared that I was missing, maybe even tried to find me. But I never let anyone close enough to make that connection, and so I wasted away there. If Kit hadn’t had the foresight to do the sensor sweeps for a dolamide mine, I would have died. Seriously Jen, when Kieran found me, most of my organs were failing from toxicity. I wouldn’t have lasted another day. And no one would have ever missed me.”
Jenny shivered, more from the acknowledgement of loneliness than from the December cold. “If you got taken today, Laren, you know we would all tear up the Alpha Quadrant looking for you. Kit and Emily and I wouldn’t rest until we found you. I swear that,” she said fiercely. “And I’m glad you’re letting those connections matter to you, because they matter to me. To all of us. You have to know that, Laren. There’s not a woman among us—Kathryn, Naomi, Robin, Lenara, all of us—who doesn’t recognize how far you stuck your neck out to get Kieran and Seven home. And even though it was a contravention of orders, Kathryn is grateful every day of her life that you’re the firebrand you are. Cassidy Thompson worships the ground you walk on because you found her sister. You act as though it was nothing, and because you’re so nonchalant about it, people probably haven’t said much. But I heard the things they said about you, when Kieran and Seven first came home. It was all good, Ji’talia. All good.”
“So tell me something. What do your parents know about our situation? I’m nervous about meeting them.” Laren shifted topics when there was too much emotion.
Jenny bit her lip. “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. Daddy is very protective of me, and if he knew Kit had an affair with you, he’d be pretty hacked off at her. My parents are old fashioned people, and the group marriage was hard enough for them to deal with. You’d just be proof to him that it was a bad idea. So to protect Kit and avoid a huge incident, I told them you’re my lover, and that I’m hoping to make you part of the marriage eventually.”
Laren threw back her head and laughed. “You lied to them?” she howled. “Oh, Jenny, that’s so cute,” she hugged her. “So does that mean I get to hang around you the whole time we’re there? Have you sit in my lap and kiss you for show?” she chuckled.
“No!” Jenny giggled. “My parents are not big on demonstrativeness. Don’t do more than hold my hand, or Dad will have a fit, and he’ll hate you. God,” she laughed, “if he saw me sitting in your lap he’d shit himself,” she guffawed. “I would love it.” She sighed happily, and said, “Seriously. Don’t do anything like that.”
Laren waggled her eyebrows. “You wanted the door to open, jumja cake,” she said sarcastically. “And now you’re flinging it closed on my passion?” She feigned injury. “I think that’s what I’ll call you around your folks. My little jumja cake,” she laughed.
“Dear God,” Jenny rested her head on Laren’s shoulder. “I’m going to be exiled from my own family, like Trill who are skay’unaf,” she giggled.
Laren laughed at her. “I’ll keep up the ruse, sweetie. Now come on, cake. We’re supposed to go sledding. Try to keep your hands where others can see them, okay?”
Jenny slipped her arm through Laren’s. “You’re such a flirt, Ro Laren. You scolded me for flirting with you, once.”
“Ah, but that was before I knew you were writing poetry about me, jumja cake,” she teased.
_________________
Jenny Wildman and Ro Laren got back to the house just as the sledding party was trooping down to Carson’s hill. Kit met them on the porch, grinning. “Get bundled up, you guys. This is gonna be a blast. Jen, do you remember how to get there?”
“Sure, Kyle, no sweat. Don’t miss the first wave—you know the new snow makes it the most fun,” she urged her.
“Thanks, Corey. You’re the best,” she enthused, kissing Jenny, then Laren. “Hurry up, you guys!” she called over her shoulder as she jogged down the road to catch up with Kathryn and Emily.
Jenny went to the mudroom to get their mittens and hats and scarves, while Laren warmed herself by the fire. Gerry Thompson and Gretchen Janeway were staying behind so if any of the children woke up, they wouldn’t be alone. Cameron Thompson and Seven of Nine had skipped out, as well, and were talking quietly together.
“Laren,” Gerry said to the dark eyed, willowy Bajoran, “could I have a word with you? It won’t take a minute,” he added as Jenny came to give Laren her extra clothing.
Laren’s stomach churned. He was going to give her a ration of crap about Kit, she was just sure of it. But then, she had to expect it. She had encroached on Kit’s marriage. “Yes, Sir,” she agreed. “Jenny, tell Kit I’m sorry, I’ll have to miss it.”
“No,” Gerry said gently, “I’ll show you where they are as soon as we’re done,” he offered. “You go on, Jenny. We’ll be along in a while,” he smiled at his granddaughter-in-law. He looked at Laren intently. “How about if we go in the kitchen? More private,” he decided.
Laren appraised him coolly, a man in his late sixties, easily six feet tall, with soft brown hair greying at the temples, and Kieran’s eyes and mouth. He had Cassidy’s way of speaking, though, the same rhythm and diction. Laren wished she could have met Violet before she died, to see what characteristics the girls had taken from the mother’s side.
Gerry pulled out a chair for her and sat her in it, taking the one beside her. “I talked to Kathryn Janeway about you,” he said softly, so his voice wouldn’t carry. “And to Cassidy and Cameron. I know this situation must be a little—awkward for you, considering how things are with Kit and the girls. If there’s anything that I can do to make you feel more at ease, please, tell me. Because I am so grateful that you didn’t blindly follow orders. That you loved my daughter and my granddaughter enough to do what your heart said, and not what the Starfleet regs say. I’ve lost Kieran so many times I can’t count them, Laren. And I love her so much, I just couldn’t stand the thought of never seeing her again, of never knowing what became of her. I know you got yourself in a mess of trouble over it, too, and you could’ve wound up in prison. It was courageous of you, and my family will never forget that you did that for us.”
“Mr. Thompson,” Laren began.
“Gerry,” he corrected her. “I’m not some admiral. I’m just Kieran and Cass’s dad.”
Laren smiled softly. “Gerry, then. You have to understand—I did it because I’m in love with Kit, and because Kieran saved my life. It wasn’t some self-sacrifice I made. It was just selfishly that I couldn’t stand to see Kit so hurt. She loves Kieran more than anyone in this life, and it would have driven her insane to lose her mother. I watched her agonizing over it, and I couldn’t refuse to help her. That’s all,” she explained humbly. “I’m no hero.”
Gerry smiled softly. “That’s not what my girls tell me. Or the captain. I heard you got a pretty nice medal, in fact, for your lack of heroism,” he chuckled.
Laren blushed, but leaned closer, smiling. “It was really nice,” she allowed, laughing. “But don’t tell anyone I said so.”
He laughed with her, patting her hand. “I can’t tell you how much you helped us all. Gretchen was just sick over Seven, and so were Harry and Phoebe. This is a tight-knit bunch, and losing any one of us would be a blow. Gretchen and I sleep a lot better knowing you’re on the bridge to keep an eye on tactical and security. And I sleep a lot better knowing Kit has you watching her back.”
Laren squeezed his hand. “Kieran and Cassidy watch Kit’s back, too, I promise. I love them all. I can’t say that about too many people, either. But they feel like family, to me.”
“I hope we all are someday,” he said sincerely. “I suppose that’s not likely, given Kit’s circumstances, but I can hope,” he added. “Well, I promised to walk you to Carson’s hill. Get yourself layered and wrapped, and let’s be at it,” he said warmly.
The night outside had calmed, the wind merely whispering occasionally, and the snow fell intermittently. Gerry walked beside Ro Laren, scuffling through the drifted snow. “Good thing I walked you,” he said, “their footprints are already covered over. I can’t wait to show you Florida. Do you like tropical climates?” he asked.
“I love this planet, period. I’m looking forward to diving and seeing the preserve. And I’m pretty excited to see where Kieran and Cass grew up.” She heard loud voices echoing over the landscape, and knew where the group was just from the sounds. “You don’t have to go any further,” she offered. “I can find it from here.”
Gerry smiled. “I was thinking I might just take a quick run on the toboggan,” he said mischievously. “With my daughters. I haven’t sledded with them since they were kids.”
The group was already coated with a fine dusting of snow, having rolled around on the hill for half an hour. Laren laughed at the sparkling eyes and running noses, the laughter and the catcalls, the occasional snow ball thrown, the whooping as the sleds raced down the steep incline. Kathryn and Kieran were racing each other on individual sleds, practically breaking their necks to get down the hill first. Kathryn was headed for a tree, and had to bail out, so Kieran won. Laren shook her head at their competition, grinning.
Kit approached her, then, smiling. “Come on, honey, ride the big toboggan down with us,” she encouraged.
Robin grabbed her arm. “Yeah, Laren, no more stalling,” she insisted, dragging her over.
They crammed themselves on the sled—Kit, Laren, Robin, Lenara, Jenny, and Emily, and Gerry pushed them to get them started.
“Daddy!” Kieran hollered as she climbed the hill. “Want to make a run?”
“That’s why I’m here, Starfish. You and Stingray grab that three-man, and let’s go,” he laughed.
________________
Joely Winfield checked her appearance in the mirror of her quarters, satisfied that she looked presentable for Christmas dinner. Kate Pulaski had been Joely’s preceptor during her medical internship at Starfleet Academy, and they had stayed in contact ever since. And when Joely was liberated from the Cardassian prison camp, like all POW’s, she had to go back to Starfleet for treatment and counseling, and Kate had insisted that the younger woman live with her while she recovered from the ordeal.