Five stages of grief Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

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Five stages of grief - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

EKR stage


1 - Denial

Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.

2 - Anger

Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.

3 - Bargaining

Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.

4 - Depression

Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.

5 - Acceptance

Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

(Based on the Grief Cycle model first published in On Death & Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1969. Interpretation by Alan Chapman 2006-2009.)


Levels and types of listening


Passive Listening or Not Listening

Noise in the background - you are not concentrating on the sounds at all and nothing is registering with you. Ignoring would be another way to describe this type of listening. There is nothing wrong with passive listening if it's truly not important, but passive listening - which we might more aptly call Not Listening - is obviously daft and can be downright dangerous if the communications are important.


Pretend Listening

You are not concentrating and will not remember anything because you are actually daydreaming or being distracted by something else even though you will occasionally nod or agree using 'stock' safe replies. This is a common type of listening that grown-ups do with children. This level of listening is called Responsive Listening in some other models, although Pretend Listening is arguably a more apt term, since the word 'responsive' suggests a much higher level of care in the listener, and Pretend Listening reflects that there is an element of deceit on the part of the listener towards the speaker. You will generally know when you are Pretend Listening because the speaker will see that glazed look in your eyes and say firmly something like, "Will you please Listen to me. I'm talking to you!" Especially if the speaker is a small child.


Biased Listening or Projective Listening

You are listening and taking in a certain amount of information, but because you already have such firm opposing or different views, or a resistance to the speaker, you are not allowing anything that is said or any noises made to influence your attitude and level of knowledge and understanding. You are projecting your position onto the speaker and the words. You would do this typically because you are under pressure or very defensive. You would normally be aware that you are doing this, which is a big difference between the next level and this one. This third level of listening is also called Selective Listening in some other models.


Misunderstood Listening

You have an interest and perhaps some flexibility in respect of the words spoken and your reactions to them, but because you are not thinking objectively and purely you are putting your own interpretation on what you are hearing - making the words fit what you expect or want them to fit. This is a type of projective listening like level three above, but you will not normally be aware that you are doing it until it is pointed out to you. This is a type of listening that is prone to big risks because if you are not made aware of your failings you will leave the discussion under a very wrong impression of the facts and the feelings of the other person. It's a deluded form of listening. Arrogant people like politicians and company directors who surround themselves with agreeable accomplices can fall into seriously ingrained habits of Misunderstood Listening.


Attentive 'Data-Only' Listening

You listen only to the content, and fail to receive all the non-verbal sounds and signals, such as tone of voice, facial expression, reaction of speaker to your own listening and reactions. This is fine when the purpose of the communication is merely to gain/convey cold facts and figures, but it is very inadequate for other communications requiring an assessment of feelings and motives, and the circumstances underneath the superficial words or sounds. Attentive Listening is a higher level of listening than Misunderstood Listening because it can gather reliable facts, but it fails to gather and suitably respond to emotions and feelings, and the situation of the other person, which is especially risky if the other person's position is potentially troublesome. This is a common form of listening among 'push and persuade' sales people. Attentive Data-Only Listening is typically driven by a strong personal results motive. It can be highly manipulative and forceful. This type of listening wins battles and loses wars - i.e., it can achieve short-term gains, but tends to wreck chances of building anything constructive and sustainable.


Active Listening

This is listening to words, intonation, and observing body language and facial expressions, and giving feedback - but critically this type of listening is empty of two-way emotional involvement, or empathy. There is no transmitted sympathy or identification with the other persons feelings and emotional needs. This listening gathers facts and to a limited extent feelings too, but importantly the listener does not incorporate the feelings into reactions. This can be due to the listener being limited by policy or rules, or by personal insecurity, selfishness, or emotional immaturity. Active listening often includes a manipulative motive or tactics, which are certainly not present in the empathic level next and higher, and which is a simple way to differentiate between Active and Empathic listening.


Empathic Listening or Empathetic Listening

You are listening with full attention to the sounds, and all other relevant signals, including:

  • tone of voice

  • other verbal aspects - e.g., pace, volume, breathlessness, flow, style, emphasis

  • facial expression

  • body language

  • cultural or ethnic or other aspects of the person which would affect the way their communications and signals are affecting you

  • feeling - not contained in a single sense - this requires you to have an overall collective appreciation through all relevant senses (taste is perhaps the only sense not employed here) of how the other person is feeling

  • you able to see and feel the situation from the other person's position

You are also reacting and giving feedback and checking understanding with the speaker. You will be summarising and probably taking notes and agreeing the notes too if it's an important discussion. You will be honest in expressing disagreement but at the same time expressing genuine understanding, which hopefully (if your listening empathy is of a decent standard) will keep emotions civilized and emotionally under control even for very difficult discussions. You will be instinctively or consciously bringing elements of NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) and Transactional Analysis into the exchange. It will also be possible (for one who knows) to interpret the exchange from the perspective of having improved the relationship and mutual awareness in terms of the Johari Window concept.


Facilitative Listening

This goes beyond even empathic listening because it implies and requires that you are able to extend an especially helpful approach to the other person or people. This element is not necessarily present in empathic listening. Another crucial difference is the capability to interpret the cognisance - self-awareness - of the speaker, and the extent to which you are hearing and observing genuine 'adult' sounds and signals (as distinct from emotionally skewed outputs), and to weigh the consequences of the other person's behaviour even if the other person cannot. In this respect you are acting rather like a protector or guardian, in the event that the other person is not being true to themselves. Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis theory comes close to explaining the aspects of mood and 'game-playing' which many people exhibit a lot unconsciously, and which can be very difficult notice using only the aims of and skills within empathic listening. This does not mean that you are making decisions or recommendations for the other person - it means you are exercising caution on their behalf, which is vital if you are in a position of responsibility or influence towards them. Facilitative Listening also requires that you have thought and prepared very carefully about what you will ask and how you will respond, even if you pause to think and prepare your responses during the exchange. Many people do not give themselves adequate pause for thought when listening and responding at an empathic level. Facilitative listening contains a strong additional element of being interested in helping the other person see and understand their options and choices. It's a powerful thing. Facilitative Listening is not generally possible if the circumstances (for example organisational rules and policy, matters of law, emergency, etc) demand a faster resolution and offer little or no leeway for extending help. There is a suggestion of transcendence and self-actualization - as described in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs theory - within the approach to Facilitative Listening. It is devoid of any selfish personal motive, other than to extend help, rather than achieve any sort of normal material gain. The other person's interests are at the forefront, which cannot truthfully be said of any of the preceding levels of listening. Facilitative Listening is not an age or money-related capability. It is an attitude of mind.

©Alan Chapman 2009
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