Think of the last time you wanted someone to do a task for you but were
unable or unsure how to ask him or her. Make a note of it here:
....................................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................................
Now try to create a clear statement or question for that person that you could
have used. Try not to be unclear but avoid being aggressive, so rather than
‘Don’t you think the washing needs to be done?’ or ‘Why do you never do the
washing?’ Try something like: ‘Could you do the washing? I’ve got a lot on my
hands right now.’
....................................................................................................................................
....................................................................................................................................
The next time you need something done, or you are unable to do something
you have been asked to, pause for a moment and try to create a clear but non-
aggressive statement like you have done here.
Balancing competing tasks
We are very often performing balancing acts when we choose between
different aspects of our lives and determining priorities. We have to balance
one set of demands against another. This process in itself can be stressful. You
may feel as though you cannot avoid letting someone down, or decide that
the only way you can appease everyone is to let yourself down, which you may
resent strongly
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Some examples of balancing acts:
Demand A
Versus
Demand B
Paid work
Work
My job
Too much to do
Eating well
Need to keep fit
Need for change and excitement
Need to get work done
Fitting everything in
Time for my family
Unpaid domestic or voluntary work
Home
My partner’s job
Too little to do
Not enough time/money to eat well
Not inclined towards exercise
Need for stability
Need to have fun
Getting enough sleep
Time for me
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
If you have problems with conflicting demands you can:
Renegotiate - set limits on what you are prepared to do
•
Manage your time better
•
Learn to live with them
•
Have a go at this activity that will enable you to identify which of your most
important demands fall into these categories.
Make notes about one demand being made on you that you would like to
renegotiate.
What is the demand?................................................................................................
What would you like to change?..............................................................................
What would make it more bearable?......................................................................
Who would you have to discuss it with?..................................................................
When will you begin to renegotiate?......................................................................
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Make notes about a demand that could be improved by careful time
management.
What is the demand?................................................................................................
When can you spend half an hour making some plans? Make a note of this
time in your diary
....................................................................................................................................
What demands can’t you change? Make notes about one that you will have to
learn to live with.
What positive things could you do to help make this demand more bearable?
....................................................................................................................................
You have to take life as it happens, but you should try to make it
happen, the way you want to take it
(Old German saying)
“
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Social support
Self-esteem and stress
You can think of self-esteem as your sense of self worth or what you think and
feel about yourself.
If you have good self-esteem you trust your own opinions and can make
decisions. You can speak for yourself and be assertive without slipping over
into being aggressive. Having good self-esteem is sometimes referred to as
having a good self-image.
With good self-esteem you will generally like yourself and other people and
expect them to like you. This makes it easier to maintain friendships and, of
course, friends help guard against the harmful effects of stress.
If you have poor self-esteem you likely don’t think much of yourself and have
a poor self-image. It will be difficult to be assertive and you may be passive or
aggressive instead. With poor self-esteem your confidence in your own
abilities will go down. How you feel about yourself directly influences how
you behave.
It is also difficult to make close friendships if you don’t think highly enough of
yourself to believe that others could possibly care about you. You assume that
there must be something wrong with anyone who would like someone as
‘unlikable’ as you!
As Groucho Marx said jokingly, ‘I don’t care to belong to any club that will
have me as a member’.
With few friends it is difficult to get the support and feedback that can build
confidence in your abilities and change your self-image. The good news is that
self-esteem is learned and can be changed.
Social support networks – people need people
People really do need people! All the people who give you social support
make up your social support network and within that network you are also
almost certainly offering support to some of the others.
It doesn’t really matter how many people are in that network, although a two
person network can sometimes put a bit too much strain on the net! It’s the
quality of the relationship that’s important.
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