Issue 149: july 2011

and feel ings, while mak ing their own

choices and mis takes, are on the path way

to  per sonal  au ton omy  and  self-re spon si bil -

ity.   The fledg ling Self learns from di rect

ex pe ri ence  rather  than  ex ter nal  in struc -

tion and needs to mo bi lize its in ter nal

re sources to take the helm.  This does n’t

weaken the pri mary bond.  On the con -

trary, it trans forms the union into a

de vel op ing  re la tion ship  that  nur tures  the

growth of both child and adult.

But strik ing this del i cate bal ance be -

tween bond ing and breath ing room

can be a per plex ing chal lenge.  De -

voted par ents often over-pro tect,

per mis sive  ap proaches  can  cre ate

aban don ment  and  par ents  who

vac il late be tween the two are

likely to send the emerg ing Self 

into a tail spin.   Then there

are those con scious and un -

con scious  agen das  par ents

have for their child – to be

lov ing,  obe di ent  and  happy

be fore  be com ing  a  neu ro -

sur geon.  Not much

breath ing room here.  Par -

ents who are not aware of

their  ex pec ta tions,  op tions  and 

choices will blindly pass on

what ever they learned from their

own ex pe ri ence of being parented.

Not much ‘con scious parenting’ here.  If

this sounds a bit like child and youth care

prac tice,  ig nore  the  con nec tion.

3.  The Need for Attunement

The key to es tab lish ing an ef fec tive bal ance

be tween bond ing and breath ing room is

the par ents’ abil ity to un der stand and re -

spond to the sub jec tive ex pe ri ence of the

child.  All chil dren have a basic need to be

seen and heard, and to be with car ing

adults who see and hear with out judg ment

or con di tions.  At the most pri mal level this 

nat u rally oc curs be tween a mother and

baby where mother has her own se cure

sense of Self and baby basks in her un con -

di tional love.  Later this be comes ap par ent

in the care givers’ abil ity to un der stand and

re flect, rather than di rect, the child’s in ter -

nal world through ac cu rate ‘mir ror ing’.  If

the bond pro vides the glue, and breath ing

room cre ates the con text, then

attunement is the es sen tial pro cess that

makes  au then tic  re la tion ships  pos si ble.

There is no pre scrip tion that can bring

this about, only the un con di tional avail -

abil ity of one human being to

an other.  Again, no ref er ence to

child and youth care is im plied.

So what if this is so?  If

there re ally are three fun da -

men tal  needs  un der ly ing  all

the  other  de vel op men tal

con sid er ations,  can  the  de -

pri va tions  and  in ter rup tions

of in fancy be ad dressed later

in life?  Most the o rists have ar -

gued  that  de vel op ment  oc curs

through spe cific stages that must

be  ac com plished  se quen tially,  and

that omis sions at one stage can not sim ply 

be patched up later.  Well here we are not 

talk ing about the usual phys i cal and psy -

cho log i cal  de vel op men tal  path ways;  we

are con cerned with the emer gence of the

Self, and in this do main, the the o ries are

less lin ear and the op tions more en cour -

ag ing.  While def i ni tions may vary, the

em pir i cal view of the Self as a com plex in -

ter nal sys tem that or ga nizes and di rects

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per sonal  ex pe ri ence  and  learn ing  has  be -

come widely ac cepted.  The far-reach ing

re search  of  Dan iel  Stern  ex em pli fies  this

per spec tive and shows how this self-sys -

tem is in place and highly ac tive from birth 

on wards.  For pres ent pur poses, the key

point is that while the Self de vel ops

through iden ti fi able phases, no phase ever

closes down.  In other words, all as pects

of the Self re main open and re spon sive to

new  in for ma tion  that  is  ef fec tively  pre -

sented at sub se quent points along the

de vel op men tal  con tin uum.  This  is  won -

der ful news for those who be lieve that

our po ten tial for growth and change is

never closed off through en vi ron men tal

cir cum stances.  It’s also a pretty nice idea

for those of us in the ‘peo ple busi ness’

who like to think we can be help ful.

Im pli ca tions for Child and Youth Care 

Prac tice

I firmly be lieve that Child and Youth

Care is the one pro fes sion that can lead

the way in cre at ing a needs-based ap -

proach  with  sus tain able  re la tional

out comes.  This might sound overly am bi -

tious for a ubiq ui tous group of self-de fined 

“baby-sit ters” that con tin ues to ques tion

its role and va lid ity in the scheme of

things.  I also be lieve that our only hope

for sur vival on this planet is to learn how

to re late to each other as cu ri ous and

com pas sion ate human be ings and that this

must begin through our re la tion ships with

our kids.  And if that isn’t enough of a chal -

lenge, try renting a villa in Libya.

Un like  other  re lated  pro fes sion als,

most CYC folks have the op por tu nity to

bond through their di rect in volve ment in

the lives of young peo ple, rather than

through hourly ses sions and pre de ter -

mined in ter ven tions.  The day-to-day

in ter ac tion  in  res i den tial  set tings  pro vides

ideal  op por tu ni ties  for  bond ing  and,

strange as it may seem, the most con -

trolled en vi ron ments can be the most

con du cive  in  cre at ing  in ter per sonal

bound aries or breath ing room.  The rea -

son is that these are re la tional pro cesses

that be come more rel e vant and nec es sary

as  in ter ac tive  con di tions  be come  more  in -

tense.  By the same token, attunement

be comes  a  very  vi a ble  per sonal  al ter na tive 

to the impersonal intrusions and routines

of institutional life.

For me, child and youth care has al -

ways been about the de vel op ment of Self

through re la tion ships and, for my money,

no other pro fes sion can make this claim.

Of course knowl edge and skills are in -

volved  in  es tab lish ing  bonds,  cre at ing

breath ing room and en hanc ing

attunement, but these are nat u ral pro -

cesses rather than re me dial pro fes sional

tech niques.  The key to ef fec tive ness and

sustainability is the de gree to which the

prac ti tio ner can draw from her or his

sense of Self to meet a young ster at the

con tact bound ary.  In other words, child

and youth care is still in a po si tion to

side-step all the pro fes sional pol i tics and

pos tur ing to go to the heart of the matter.

Con clu sion

On the one hand, this is just an other

stab at the old prob lem of how Child and

Youth Care might de fine it self as an iden ti -

fi able pro fes sion.  On the other, it calls for 

a  com plete  re def i ni tion  of  the  ob ject  of

the  ex er cise.    Is  it  rad i cal  or  ir re spon si ble

to sug gest that we should step off the ‘cu -

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