Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others

me about your plans?”

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Suggestions for How to Use This Question
“Can you tell me about your plans?”
To be a great listener, follow these three principles:
Humility. The Indian spiritual leader Mahatma Gandhi said, “To discover the truth,
one must become as humble as the dust.” You must believe you can learn from every
person you encounter.
Curiosity. As we grow older, our curiosity dies. The average five-year-old asks 200
questions a day. How many do you ask? Approach every situation with an intense sense
of curiosity, and you will listen more.
Self-awareness. Your biases and prejudices will prevent you from listening to others.
Women often make the decision about which new car to buy—yet, in a typical car
dealership, the salespeople pay far more attention to the husband. Know yourself!
When to use the question
Before you tell someone what you think their plans should be.
When you need to understand the other person's intentions and priorities.
Alternate versions of the question
“How do you plan to approach this?”
“What is your strategy?”
“What are your ideas for where you want to go in the future?
Follow-up questions
“What process did you use to arrive at that?
“What things have you decided not to do?”

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24
Never Look Back Unless You Plan to Live
That Way
“I feel like I'm being torn apart. I tell you, my heart is breaking. I never felt
as bad about anything in my life.”
I'm talking with John Kirkman. We're in his office. He's near tears.
John is the owner and manager of a small manufacturing company. He
employs about 80 men and women in good times, fewer when things get
slow.
“John, I've never before seen you in this state. What the devil is going
on?” I'm with John every four or six weeks. We work on his business
planning and review his firm's objectives and financial performance.
John tells me he discovered that his Chief Financial Officer was
depositing the firm's checks to his own personal account. He finally became
aware of the theft. But there is a problem beyond even the $100,000 that
was stolen.
He tells me his Chief Financial Officer has been a senior member of the
staff for 16 years. On top of that, he is one of John's closest friends and
confidants. “I would have trusted him with my life,” John tells me.
He says that when he finally confronted Bob (not his real name), John
started asking questions.
“Bob, tell me about the money that's missing.” Bob goes into a long,
unconvincing harangue. He lets John know he is totally innocent. John
doesn't buy it.
(There's an expression in Mexico, “con las manos en la masa.” It means
“with your hands in the bread dough.” The English version: caught red-
handed. In this case, Bob really did have his hands in the dough).
“I assure you I haven't been taking any money,” Bob says. “I wouldn't do
that to the firm, and I certainly wouldn't steal from a close friend like you,

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John.”
Bob talks about his family and his time with the firm. He goes on and on.
Getting an answer from him is just about as easy as staging a full ballet in a
telephone booth.
“His body language tells me everything. His eyes are as dull and lifeless
as oysters. His hands are rolled into tight fists. He keeps crossing and
uncrossing his legs.
“He admits nothing,” John tells me. “He claims he doesn't know anything
about the missing money.
“It finally occurs to me that I had been asking a lot of vague, weasel,
open-ended questions. And getting weasel answers in response. What I
need now is a direct answer—yes or no.”
(At times, the value of a closed-ended question is that it can lead to a
prized discovery. When asked properly, at precisely the right time, closed-
ended questions can be a powerful and crucial ally. You're asking for a
direct response. No qualifying. No excuses. No waffling. No babbling.)
John goes on with his story. “Bob, I want a yes or no. No baloney.” (John
used a stronger word.) “Did you steal the money? Yes or no?”
“I pause,” John tells me. “I wait for a response.” (The moment is flooded
with a crashing silence. I'm thinking that at times, silence is often the very
best answer.)
“Several minutes go by. I wait. I don't say a word. Bob finally breaks
down. He confesses.
“I'm not certain I would ever have gotten an honest answer if I had
continued asking fuzzy, kid-glove questions.
“I am thunderstruck. The theft is such an unexpected, errant act. An
aberration after decades of friendship and trust in him.
“Here's my question,” John says to me. “He confesses and the darn truth
is, I don't know what to do. Should I report him to the authorities? Give him
24 hours to resign? Summarily fire him on the spot, ask for the keys to his
office and desk, and escort him out of the building?
“I'm also thinking about Bob's personal situation. One kid still in college.
His wife doesn't work. This will for sure destroy him. It's all weighing on
me.”

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Reader, wait! Before you go on, think about what action you would take.
Remember, Bob is one of John's closest friends. He is also a first-rate
financial officer. Your initial reaction may be to call the police and get Bob
as far away from the premises as possible. That's natural. It's a serious
crime committed by someone you put great trust in.
I'm going to tell you what happens. I'll also tell you the question I ask
John.
“If the circumstances were turned around, John—how would you like to
be treated?”
This is a thought-provoking question because it forces a person to forget
all of the anger, overlook the disappointment, and put themselves in the
other person's shoes. It's a great question because it compels the person to
think about how they would like to be dealt with.
Back to my question. “John, how would you like to be treated if the
situation was turned around?”
“Hmm. Well, I hadn't thought about it that way. That kind of puts me on
the spot. I was so upset, all I could think about was my disappointment.
“I guess I would ask for forgiveness. I would ask for another chance. I
would promise that it would never, ever happen again. I would commit to
do anything at all to make this horrible thing go away.”
“Maybe that's an answer you should consider, John,” I suggest. “It may
take you a long time to forget—but I do recommend you put that option on
the table. After all, didn't you say that's how you would like to be treated?”
Three weeks later I call John. “Tell me what happened with Bob,” I ask.
“I forgave him. And I gave him another chance. It was an extraordinary
moment. We both cried.
“I tell him in no uncertain terms that we want the money repaid. I give
him 120 days. I assure him I will not say anything to anyone in the
company or to his wife. Not even my wife. I tell him that what has
happened is a closed bond between the two of us. I feel it was the right
thing to do. I hope so.”
All of this happened years ago. After the incident, John says that Bob
worked even harder than before—10- and 12-hour days. He was more
dedicated than ever. And he was never dishonest again. Not ever.

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Bob is now approaching his twenty-fifth anniversary with the firm. He
continues to be one of John's closest friends and is doggedly loyal. He is
one of John's most beloved and trusted business confidants.
Sometimes, the right solution to a dilemma you have with someone will
present itself when you contemplate a reversal of the roles.
It's a question you can't run away from. “If the circumstances were turned
around, how would you like to be treated?”
When you are asked for your advice about a dilemma, explore all
options by asking: If the circumstances were turned around, how