Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others

would you like to be treated ?
Suggestions for How to Use This Question
“If the circumstances were turned around,
how would you like to be treated?”
Everyone loves the adage, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” It's
warm and fuzzy. It makes perfect sense. But it's easier to agree intellectually with the
sentiment than to live it. Living it is very tough.
Sacrificial forgiveness is espoused by many of the world's major religions. In the
New Testament Gospel of Matthew, Peter asks Jesus “How many times shall I forgive
my brother or my sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” and Jesus replies, “I
tell you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.” Of course, forgiving someone and
giving them a second chance can be two different things— you may be able to do the
former but not the latter. In any event you will push the other person to look at every
possible solution by asking this question.
When to use the question
When someone asks you for counsel about a difficult situation involving another
person, or about a perplexing dilemma.
Alternative versions of the question
When someone has done something wrong, or that is hurtful toward you, you can
reverse the roles in yet another way. Ask, “If you were me, what would you do?”
This may make the other person accept your decision more willingly.
Follow-up questions

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 “Why do you feel that would be right?”

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25
How to Stop the Snorting
The phone call starts very badly.
On the line is my client and another senior executive at his firm, Bill. I
have never met Bill before. He is angry. Apoplectic is a word that comes to
mind. He's upset about how a major program is going. He thinks that
bringing me in to fix it will only make matters worse.
“This is a mess,” he shouts. “With all due respect, your suggested
approach sounds redundant. I don't understand how it all fits together.”
(Thank God this is a telephone call, I'm thinking to myself, and not a
face-to-face meeting).
Bill alternately rants, grumbles, and criticizes for 25 minutes. He
complains about the existing program they are trying. It isn't getting results.
He sermonizes about their partners’ complacency, and about how they are
too internally focused.
But he doesn't talk about the real issue, which is obvious. It's the revenue
gap they face. He doesn't talk about where they should go from here and
exactly what it is the partners need to do differently.
I had agreed to participate in the call simply to be helpful to my client.
“No good deed goes unpunished,” said the actress and congresswoman
Clare Boothe Luce. This one certainly isn't exempt from that cynical
admonishment.
With five minutes left, I gently interrupt: “Bill, can I ask you a question?”
“Well, sure,” he snorts.
“As you look at your young partners, when you think about what it takes
to build great client relationships—what do you wish they would do more
of?”
There is silence.

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He sputters, “Well. . .good question.” Then a pause. “Oh, heck, you've
gotten me off track now!” he exclaims. His voice is tinged with irritation at
having had the pleasure of his rant cut short. After one more pause he adds,
“Umm. . .Okay, let me address that.”
Then he starts talking about the positive side of the change he wants to
see: “Well, they need a roadmap, kind of like the one you e-mailed me. Yes,
starting at the top of the page—I like this, I think there are three key things
they need to do better.”
His blustering stops and his anger recedes. Suddenly, as if by divine
command, the storm is calmed and the waters are smooth and glassy. We're
now having a real conversation about the underlying issues.
A few months later, I am starting a new major project with the company,
authorized by Bill. Not because I sold anything, but because at the right
moment I asked the right question.
A good question can be like an elixir that softens a bad mood, melts
anger, and pulls the other person back to the truly important issues. When I
asked Bill “What do you wish they would do more of?” I was able to take a
derailed conversation and put it firmly back on the right track.
People often complain about others and insist that they need to change.
You have to shift them from criticism to solutions by asking, “What