Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others

Suggestions for How to Use This Question
“What did you learn?”
This may surprise you: We often do not learn from our experiences. This has been
demonstrated repeatedly in research studies conducted by social scientists. We attribute
our successes to our own capabilities and performance, whereas we pin failures on other
people or external circumstances beyond our control. Woody Allen said that if you can't
find someone to blame, you're not trying hard enough.
The U.S. military is one of the few organizations that systematically tries to learn
from experience. The “after-action review” is a staple of all military operations,
including training exercises. Commanders are brutally honest.
Remember to ask not just “What did you learn?” but also “What did you learn about.
. .?” Perhaps there is a lesson about motivating people, trust, or organizational politics.
When to use the question
Any time someone is sharing an experience or event with you.
After any meeting, interview, or visit.
When you are mentoring or coaching someone.
Alternative versions of the question
“What's the most memorable thing you took away from that experience?”
“What did you learn about. . .?” (people, trust, human nature, motivation,
planning, etc.).
Follow-up questions
“Do you think that's always true, or is this situation particular?”
“Can you say more about that?”

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17
Push Open the Flood Gate
I am having lunch with Margaret.
I don't usually take time for this sort of luncheon date. But Margaret has
been calling every month for the past year to arrange a time we can get
together. She is Vice President of the bank where I have my business
account, in charge of the Private Banking Division.
I think: Who knows when I'm going to need some credit? Why not get
together? I have never met her.
“Sure. You bet, let's have lunch. It's about time,” I tell her when she calls
this last time. We meet at a special restaurant of her choosing. She is
waiting at the table when I arrive. She stands up. Her handshake is firm and
friendly.
Before the waiter comes for the order, Margaret talks about how long she
has been at the bank. She tells me about her progression up the ladder to her
present position. “I've worked very hard to get where I am.”
The waiter arrives with the clam chowder. While we are eating that, I hear
about her wonderful two-week holiday in Hawaii. “We go there every year.
We have a time-share on the Big Island. It's glorious.”
(I wonder where this is going. There's a wonderful scene in Scarface,
when Al Pacino is relaxing in a huge bubble bath in his mansion. He looks
around and asks, “Is this all there is?” I'm asking the same question.)
Between the soup and our Cobb salad, Margaret tells me about her new
grandchild. She digs into her purse and pulls out some photos for me to
look at. There's nothing as proud as a new grandmother.
(I am wondering if Margaret has any questions for me. Nothing so far.)
We finish with coffee.
She looks at her watch. As sudden as a sneeze, it's obvious it is time to
leave. “It is so special,” she says, “having this time with you. I've really

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looked forward to meeting you.”
Whoa—what's happening here? It occurs to me that I learned a great deal
about Margaret. She learned nothing about me. Nothing. She has no idea
what motivates me or what makes me get up in the morning. She's learned
nothing about my business.
Just think about what she could discover with some simple, open-ended
questions. For instance, “Tell me how you feel about the bank's services?”
Or, “Why did you decide to go into business for yourself?” Or, “You're an
important client of ours—how can we do a better job of meeting your
needs?”
Most important: “Really? Can you tell me more?”
An amazing torrent of conversation and information flows when someone
responds to a question of yours and you say, “Tell me more.” This simple
phrase, in fact, can be used almost anytime to draw someone out. “Tell me
more about that” is a powerful prompt you can use often. Probably daily.
I left the restaurant, shaking my head.
Back at my office, a colleague asks me about my lunch. “Was it a good
use of your time?”
“No!” I blurt out, before I could even think of a proper response.
“Why? What happened?” he asks. And as I think about the lunch, I
realize my banker did not ask me anything that helps me clarify my
thinking about my business or my career. Nor did she share with me, for
example, how some of her other clients, in similar businesses, deal with my