and
feel ings, while mak ing their own
choices and mis takes, are on the path way
to per sonal au ton omy and self-re spon si bil -
ity. The fledg ling Self learns from di rect
ex pe ri ence rather than ex ter nal in struc -
tion and needs to mo bi lize its in ter nal
re sources to take the helm. This does n’t
weaken the pri mary bond. On the con -
trary, it trans forms the union into a
de vel op ing re la tion ship that nur tures the
growth of both child and adult.
But strik ing this del i cate bal ance be -
tween bond ing and breath ing room
can be a per plex ing chal lenge. De -
voted par ents often over-pro tect,
per mis sive ap proaches can cre ate
aban don ment and par ents who
vac il late be tween the two are
likely to send the emerg ing Self
into a tail spin. Then there
are those con scious and un -
con scious agen das par ents
have for their child – to be
lov ing, obe di ent and happy
be fore be com ing a neu ro -
sur geon. Not much
breath ing room here. Par -
ents who are not aware of
their ex pec ta tions, op tions and
choices will blindly pass on
what ever they learned from their
own ex pe ri ence of being parented.
Not much ‘con scious parenting’ here. If
this sounds a bit like child and youth care
prac tice, ig nore the con nec tion.
3. The Need for Attunement
The key to es tab lish ing an ef fec tive bal ance
be tween bond ing and breath ing room is
the par ents’ abil ity to un der stand and re -
spond to the sub jec tive ex pe ri ence of the
child. All chil dren have a basic need to be
seen and heard, and to be with car ing
adults who see and hear with out judg ment
or con di tions. At the most pri mal level this
nat u rally oc curs be tween a mother and
baby where mother has her own se cure
sense of Self and baby basks in her un con -
di tional love. Later this be comes ap par ent
in the care givers’ abil ity to un der stand and
re flect, rather than di rect, the child’s in ter -
nal world through ac cu rate ‘mir ror ing’. If
the bond pro vides the glue, and breath ing
room cre ates the con text, then
attunement is the es sen tial pro cess that
makes au then tic re la tion ships pos si ble.
There is no pre scrip tion that can bring
this about, only the un con di tional avail -
abil ity of one human being to
an other. Again, no ref er ence to
child and youth care is im plied.
So what if this is so? If
there re ally are three fun da -
men tal needs un der ly ing all
the other de vel op men tal
con sid er ations, can the de -
pri va tions and in ter rup tions
of in fancy be ad dressed later
in life? Most the o rists have ar -
gued that de vel op ment oc curs
through spe cific stages that must
be ac com plished se quen tially, and
that omis sions at one stage can not sim ply
be patched up later. Well here we are not
talk ing about the usual phys i cal and psy -
cho log i cal de vel op men tal path ways; we
are con cerned with the emer gence of the
Self, and in this do main, the the o ries are
less lin ear and the op tions more en cour -
ag ing. While def i ni tions may vary, the
em pir i cal view of the Self as a com plex in -
ter nal sys tem that or ga nizes and di rects
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CYC-Online July 2011 / Issue 149
per sonal ex pe ri ence and learn ing has be -
come widely ac cepted. The far-reach ing
re search of Dan iel Stern ex em pli fies this
per spec tive and shows how this self-sys -
tem is in place and highly ac tive from birth
on wards. For pres ent pur poses, the key
point is that while the Self de vel ops
through iden ti fi able phases, no phase ever
closes down. In other words, all as pects
of the Self re main open and re spon sive to
new in for ma tion that is ef fec tively pre -
sented at sub se quent points along the
de vel op men tal con tin uum. This is won -
der ful news for those who be lieve that
our po ten tial for growth and change is
never closed off through en vi ron men tal
cir cum stances. It’s also a pretty nice idea
for those of us in the ‘peo ple busi ness’
who like to think we can be help ful.
Im pli ca tions for Child and Youth Care
Prac tice
I firmly be lieve that Child and Youth
Care is the one pro fes sion that can lead
the way in cre at ing a needs-based ap -
proach with sus tain able re la tional
out comes. This might sound overly am bi -
tious for a ubiq ui tous group of self-de fined
“baby-sit ters” that con tin ues to ques tion
its role and va lid ity in the scheme of
things. I also be lieve that our only hope
for sur vival on this planet is to learn how
to re late to each other as cu ri ous and
com pas sion ate human be ings and that this
must begin through our re la tion ships with
our kids. And if that isn’t enough of a chal -
lenge, try renting a villa in Libya.
Un like other re lated pro fes sion als,
most CYC folks have the op por tu nity to
bond through their di rect in volve ment in
the lives of young peo ple, rather than
through hourly ses sions and pre de ter -
mined in ter ven tions. The day-to-day
in ter ac tion in res i den tial set tings pro vides
ideal op por tu ni ties for bond ing and,
strange as it may seem, the most con -
trolled en vi ron ments can be the most
con du cive in cre at ing in ter per sonal
bound aries or breath ing room. The rea -
son is that these are re la tional pro cesses
that be come more rel e vant and nec es sary
as in ter ac tive con di tions be come more in -
tense. By the same token, attunement
be comes a very vi a ble per sonal al ter na tive
to the impersonal intrusions and routines
of institutional life.
For me, child and youth care has al -
ways been about the de vel op ment of Self
through re la tion ships and, for my money,
no other pro fes sion can make this claim.
Of course knowl edge and skills are in -
volved in es tab lish ing bonds, cre at ing
breath ing room and en hanc ing
attunement, but these are nat u ral pro -
cesses rather than re me dial pro fes sional
tech niques. The key to ef fec tive ness and
sustainability is the de gree to which the
prac ti tio ner can draw from her or his
sense of Self to meet a young ster at the
con tact bound ary. In other words, child
and youth care is still in a po si tion to
side-step all the pro fes sional pol i tics and
pos tur ing to go to the heart of the matter.
Con clu sion
On the one hand, this is just an other
stab at the old prob lem of how Child and
Youth Care might de fine it self as an iden ti -
fi able pro fes sion. On the other, it calls for
a com plete re def i ni tion of the ob ject of
the ex er cise. Is it rad i cal or ir re spon si ble
to sug gest that we should step off the ‘cu -
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