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Emotional development in toddlers

Toddlers tend to be emotionally fragile little people at times. One moment they are chuckling as they move around their new and exciting world and the next moment there can be tears and tantrums when they are confronted with frustration or the unexpected.

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Temper tantrums

I am sure that you have seen a toddler having a temper tantrum. Temper tantrums are episodes of loud crying or screaming and may include the children throwing themselves on the floor and kicking out. Some children in the throes of a temper tantrum may lash out and hit those nearby. The first thing we need to understand is that temper tantrums are part of expected behaviour for toddlers. Tantrums can arise for many different reasons. Most, however, can be linked to either frustration or fatigue. Often toddlers are frightened or overwhelmed by their own emotions during tantrums, and need us to take control and comfort them.

Earlier in this topic we learnt that toddlers’ developing gross and fine motor skills allow them to do more things for themselves. However, they experience frustration when their body doesn’t allow them to do what their mind wants them to do. Because their language is still developing, they don’t always have the words to express their desires, ideas or needs. This then leads them to experience feelings of frustration. Their frustration is expressed with tears, stamping of their feet, waving their arms and a loss of control.

Sometimes we can place unrealistic expectations upon toddlers. For example, we expect them to share toys or food when they are not yet able to do this. At other times, we may expect them to wait when they are not yet able to delay gratification. Think of toddlers you have observed in the checkout queue at the supermarket.

It’s late on a Friday afternoon. The father is looking tired and harassed and the toddler is sitting in the seat of the supermarket trolley. The queue is ten deep and there is a large display of sweets just near the cash register, right at toddler eye level.

The toddler reaches out for one of the sweets. The father says ‘No’. The toddler is stuck in the seat of the trolley where she has been sitting for over an hour while they shopped.

Initially, she glares at her father. She points to the sweets this time and whinges, ‘My want that’. Her father shakes his head. The next thing, the toddler’s lip drops, her forehead creases, she arches her back and lets out a loud scream, ‘My want it!’.

When the father repeats ‘No’, the toddler starts to throw her legs and arms about and really yells and cries ever so loudly. By the look on his face, the father’s patience is wearing thin. He sharply tells his toddler to stop making such a fuss, only to find his two-year-old acting more out of control and screaming even more loudly. It’s not a pretty sight, nor a comfortable situation for either party!

The father heaves the toddler out of the trolley, leaves the groceries behind him and stalks out of the supermarket.

We need to anticipate sources of frustration for toddlers. We need to ensure that they receive adequate rest and sleep and are not restricted for extended periods of time. We need to arrange outings when the toddler is well rested and ensure we are home before they get overtired and hungry. It’s a good idea to take restoring food and water with us when going out with toddlers and perhaps something to play with.

Toddlers need a balance of active and quiet times during the day. Sensory and messy play can be relaxing for toddlers. They need to hear words and stories that will help them identify and express their feelings.

By allowing toddlers time to do things for themselves and ensuring that tasks are achievable, we are reducing the chances of them losing control with an outburst of temper.

Perhaps above all we need to avoid places that are not child-friendly shops and supermarkets are not places where children can touch objects and freely explore, so are high risk for tantrum throwing.

Aggression during toddlerhood

Physical aggression is not uncommon in the social interactions of toddlers. Because they have limited language skills and are not yet able to control and express their feelings in socially acceptable ways, toddlers may exhibit aggressive behaviours. It is not uncommon for toddlers to hit and bite when they don’t have the words to express their feelings.

It’s tricky, I must admit. One way to respond is to verbalise the frustration, such as, ‘Yes, I can see you wanted that toy, but you hurt Billy when you bit him, and I can’t let you do that’, then turn to the victim and give most of your attention to them.

From my experience, the more attention you give the aggressor (even negative attention) the more likely the behaviour is to recur.

Ignoring the aggression makes it less likely to recur

Toddlers’ fears

As children’s cognitive awareness and functioning develops, they are able to retain and create images in their mind. One of the characteristics of children between two and three years of age is that they are often unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy. Because of the interplay of these two characteristics, toddlers may develop fears that were not present at an earlier age.

Common fears for toddlers are fear of the dark, being sucked down the plughole in the bathtub, dogs, trucks, monsters and anything that makes an unexpected and loud noise such as lawnmowers and vacuum cleaners.

Toddlers often have trouble distinguishing between reality and fantasy

How do we respond to toddlers’ fears?

These fears are very real for toddlers and should not be laughed at or dismissed as being silly. Carers need to accept toddlers’ fears as being real to them. We need to be patient and understanding in our responses and we need to find solutions that are gentle and will make toddlers feel comfortable.

Forcing toddlers to confront their fears will only intensify the fear. For example, if a toddler is afraid of cats, forcing him to pat a cat will only frighten him more. Perhaps it might be better to introduce him to stories about cats, then encourage him to look at a cat from the safety of his carer’s lap. Then over time introduce the toddler to an older, more placid cat. These would be sensible steps to help the toddler overcome this fear.

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