Misha Williams

 47 
based in Salford and never get anything right. They 
said it was a commercial for "odour eaters", set on the 
Amazon. But I see here it's an exploration adventure.  
Am I entitled to know what it's about, treasure? 
Whoops, pardon the pun. I mean "Treasure" as in 
"Duck" Was he after treasure, by the way? This here 
explorer, fella? Could you bear to divulge a little about 
the character? Not everything, mind you. I don't need 
to know what he had for breakfast.  
 
    
 
 
    ALBERT 
We're very short of time. The American backers just 
want to see you on tape. 'Camera's there. 
 
He indicates a video camera out in the auditorium. 
 
ALBERT 
Just say anything. Your name and agent's details if you 
like and a little about you. It's the time factor I'm 
afraid. 
 
              
  "FAWCETT" 
You never have flippin' time for us actors! It's always 
the time factor at these film interviews. They never tell 
you what its about. They rush you in. Rush you out. In 
seconds! Before you've finished your cuppa even, let 
alone had a chance to demonstrate any talent. I've 
never known it so bad. Why d'you call me here 
anyroad? 
 
JESS 
Our American producer saw your photo in Spotlight. 
You looked right… 
 
"FAWCETT" 
But?… 
 
ALBERT 
But, where're you from exactly? 
 
"FAWCETT" 
 
Formby. As in George. Anything wrong with that? 
 

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 48 
ALBERT 
Only that Fawcett went to Westminster School and… 
 
"FAWCETT" 
Does that matter, really? I thought in post-modern 
films you could transcend these little details. 
 
ALBERT  
It's all up to the American backers. I don't cast. Just 
say your name. Recite your address, for God's sake. 
They'd probably want to dub you anyway. 
 
"FAWCETT" 
Oh, thanks a lot. 
 
JESS 
We're behind schedule. I've thirty more people to see 
this afternoon. 
 
JESS, to ALBERT in a hushed voice. 
 
    
 
 
JESS 
             Al, just let him do the speech. He's prepared it.       
And he looks right. 
 
ALBERT 
(To the actor)  I'm sorry. OK. Let's. Let's do the 
speech. Fawcett is a serious, dedicated man. 
 
"FAWCETT" 
Aaah. Right. Gotcha. 
 
The actor tries to change his outward shape to suite ALBERT'S  
description.. 
 
JESS 
He's sexually attractive as well… 
 
The actor subtly draws in his stomach and tries to make his cheeks look 
thinner. 
 
ALBERT 
…He has to be sexy for the US market. So he is academic and 
studious, but with sex appeal… 

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 49 
 
"FAWCETT" 
(Trying to combine the two) …Yeah-yeah-yeah. It's 
coming. It's coming. 
 
 
ALBERT 
So just do two little bits for me. The first one on page 
thirty-six… Fawcett is attacking the establishment at a 
world press conference just before his departure to find 
the lost civilization. 
 
"FAWCETT" 
Right…(He dives into character)"I have no respect for 
the scientific hacks that dismiss the Mexican pyramids 
or Inca palaces as primitive toffle when we now know 
that they are as complex as anything devised in 
Ancient Egypt and may even be older! I know that 
South America is the cradle of a world civilization that 
has now vanished and I intend to produce proof. I shall 
go "in there", without the backing of official science. I 
shall suffer opposition and even hatred. But despite 
that, I shall bring out the astounding truth!"   
 
ALBERT 
Excellent. Thank you very much. 
 
JESS 
That was really good! 
 
ALBERT 
And now the bit on page forty-nine where he is 
chatting up a native girl. 
 
 
"FAWCETT" 
I was less happy preparing this scene. 
 
ALBERT 
Sorry, but the American producer had this additional 
stuff sent over especially. For the sex storyline. 
 
 
 

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 50 
"FAWCETT" 
Right. OK. "I want to help your people, Kee-atora". (To 
ALBERT) 'Hope I pronounced her name right….Er. "You 
are so wild and...and really cute, like a koala-bear.  I 
can save your tribe from extinction. I can save you… 
honey. Kee-atora. Trust me, my Native American 
(pause)…..queen? Together we can make it happen. 
Come with me tonight into the forest and we can make 
it happen"… 
 
Reading stage direction; 
 
"FAWCETT"  
"He takes her breast… in his hand" 
 
BRIAN 
(Shouting) OH, NO HE DOESN'T!! 
 
His roar comes from the back of the auditorium. He now charges down 
the aisle and leaps onto the stage like a mad bull. ALBERT and JESS 
protest indignantly. They also come down and mount the stage. BRIAN 
confronts ALBERT. 
  
BRIAN 
(To ALBERT) Are you raving mad? Do you think I'm 
going to let you get away with this? 
 
ALBERT 
What? 
 
BRIAN 
What? WHAT? You have the gall? To ask? You think 
you're going to film this? 
 
JESS 
What's wrong with it? 
 
BRIAN 
It's drivel!! That's what's wrong with it. 
 
JESS 
Would you mind leaving! NOW! Please. 
 
 

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