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330. pointed and I sometimes think they were right. Our first ex- 331. ploit was fantastic. Among other things, we owned two shares 332. of General Electric, then selling at about $300.00 a share. 333. Everyone thought it was too high, but I stoutly maintained 334. that it would someday sell for five or ten times that figure. 335. So what could be more logical than to proceed to the main of- 336. fice of the company in New York and investigate it. Naive 337. wasn't it? The plan was to interview ohe officials and get 338. employment there if possible. We drew seventy five dollars
339. from our savings as working capital, vowing never to draw 340. another cent. We arrived at Schenectady, I did talk with 341. some of the people of the to company and became wildly en- 342. thusiastic over GE. My attention was drawn to the radio end 343. of the business and by a strange piece of luck, I learned 344. much of what the company thought about its future. I was 345. then able to put a fairly intelligent projection of the 346. coming radio boom on paper, which I sent to one of my brokers 347. in town. To replenish our working capital, my wife and I 348. worked on a farm nearby for two months, she in the kitchen, 349. and I in the haystack. It was the last honest manual work 350. that I did for many years. 351. The cement industry then caught my fancy and we 352. soon found ourselves looking at a property in the Lehigh 353. district of Eastern Pennsylvania. An unusual speculative 354. situation existed which I went to New York and described to 355. one of my broker friend . This time I drew blood in the 356. shape of an option on hundred shares of stock which 357. promptly commenced to soar. Securing a few hundred dollars 358. advance on this deal, we were freed of the necessity of work, 359. and during the coming year following year, we travelled all 360. over the southeast part of the United States, taking in power 361. projects, an aluminum plant, the Florida boom, the Birmingham 362. steel district, Muscle Shoals, and what not. By this time 363. my friends in New York thought it would pay them to really 364. hire me. At last I had a job in Wall Street. Moreover, I
365. had the use of twenty thousand dollars of their money. 366. For some years the fates tossed horseshoes and golden bricks 367. into my lap and I made much more money than was good for me. 368. It was too easy. take
369. By this time drinking had gotten to be a very 370. important and exhilerating place in my life. What was a 371. few hundred dollars when you considered it in terms of ex- 372. citement and important talk in the gilded palaces of jazz up- 373. town. My natural conservativeness was swept away and I began 374. to play for heavy stakes. Another legend of infalability 375. commenced to grow up around me and I began to have what is 376. called in Wall Street a following which amounted to many 377. paper millions of dollars. I had arrived, so let the scoffers 378. scoff and be damned, but of course, they didn't, and I made 379. a host of fair weather friends. I began to reach for more 380. power attempting to force myself onto the directorates of 381. corporations in which I controlled blocks of stock. 382. By this time, my drinking had assumed 383. serious proportions. The remonstrances of my associates ter- 384. minated in a bitter row, and I became a lone wolf. Though I 385. managed to avoid serious scrapes and partly out of loyalty, 386. extreme drunkenness, I had not become involved with the fair it 387. sex, there were many unhappy scenes in my apartment, which 388. was a large one, as I had hired two, and had gotten the real 389. estate people to knock out the walls between them. Page 16. 390. In the spring of 1929 caught the golf fever. This 391. illness was about the worst yet. I had thought golf was 392. pretty tepid sport, but I noticed some of my pretty 393. important friends thought it was a real game and it 394. presented an excuse for drinking by day as well as by 395. night. Moreover some one had casually said, they didn't think 396. I would ver play a good game. This was a spark in a 397. powder magazine, so my wife and I were instantly off to the 398. country she to watch while I caught up with Walter Hagen. 399. Then too it was a fine chance to flaunt my money around 400. the old home town. And to carom lightly around the exclusive 401. course, whose select city membership had inspired so much 402. awe in me as a boy. So Wall Street was lightly tossed 403. aside while I acquired drank vast quantities of gin and 404. acquired the impeccable coat of tan, one sees on the faces 405. of the well to do. The local banker watched me with an 406. amused skepticism as I whirled good fat checks in and out 407. of his bank. 408. IN October 1929 the whirling movement in my bank 409. account ceased abruptly, and I commenced to whirl myself. 410. Then I felt like Stephen Leacock's horseman, it seemed as rapidly 411. though I were galloping/in all directions at once, for the 412. great panic was on. First to Montreal, then to New York, to 413. rally my following in stocks sorely needing support. A few 414. bold spirits rushed into the breach, but it was of no use. I 415. shed my own wings as the moth who gets to near to the candle 416. flame. After one of those days of shrieking inferno on the 417. stock exchange floor with no information available, I lurched from
418. drunkenly an the hotel bar to an adjoining brokerage office 419. there at about 8 o'clock in the evening I feverishly searched 420. a huge pile of ticker tape and tore of about an inch of it. 421. It bore the inscription P.F.K. 32.. The stock had opened at 422. 52 that morning. I had controlled over one hundred thousand 423. shares of it, and had a sizable block myself. I knew that I 424. was finished, and so were a lot of my friends. 425. I went back into the bar and after a few 426. drinks, my composure returned. People were beginning to jump 427. from every story of that great Tower of Babel. That was high 428.
429. that I was not so weak. I realized that I had been care- 430. less, especially with other peoples money. I had not paid 431. attention to business and I deserved to be hurt. After a few 432. some more whiskey, my confidence returned again, and with it 433. an almost terrifying determination to somehow capitalize this 434. mess and pay everybody off. I reflected that it was just 435. another worthwhile lesson and that there were a lot of 436. reasons why people lost money in Wall Street that I had not 437. thought of before. 438. My wife took it all like the great person she is. 439. I think she rather welcomed it the situation thinking it 440. might bring me to my senses. Next morning, I woke early, 441. shaking badly from excitement and a terrific hangover. A 442. half bottle of Gin quickly took care of that momentary weak- as 443. ness and I soon as business places were open I called a 444. friend in Montreal and said -"Well Dick, they have nailed my 445. hide to the barn door" - said he "The hell they have, come we 446. on up". That is all he said and up W went. 447. I shall never forget the kindness and generosity 448. of this friend. Moreover I must still have carried one 449. horseshoe with me, for by the spring of 1930, we were living 450. in our accustomed style and I had a very comfortable credit 451. balance on the very security in which I had taken the 452. heaviest licking, with plenty of champaigne and sound 453. canadian whiskey, I began to feel like Napolean returning 454. Melba. Infallible again. No St Helena for me. Accustomed 455. as they were to the ravages of fire water in Canada in those 456. days, I soon began to outdistance most of my countrymen both 457. as a serious and a frivolous drinker. 458. Then the depression bore down in earnest. and 459.I, having become worse than useless, had to be reluctantly 459. Though I had become manager of one of the departments of my 460. friend's business, my drinking and nonchalant cocksureness, 461. had rendered me worse than useless, so he reluctantly let me 462. go. We were stony broke again, and even our furniture 463. looked like it was gone, for I could not even pay next months 464. rent on our swank apartment. 465. We wonder to this day how we ever got out of 466. Montreal. But we did, and then I had to eat humble pie. We
467. went to live with my Father and Mother-in-law where we 468. happily found never failing help and sympathy. I got a 469. job at what seemed to be a mere pittance of one hundred 470. dollars a week, but a brawl with a taxi driver , who got 471. very badly hurt, put an end to that . Mercifully, no one 472. knew it, but I was not to have steady employment for five 473. years, nor was I to draw a sober breath if I could help it. 474. Great was my humiliation when my poor wife was 475. obliged to go to work in a department store, coming home ex- 476. hausted night after night to find me drunk again. I became 477. a hanger-on at brokerage shops, but was less and less wel- 478. come as my drinking increased. Even then opportunities to 479. make money pursued me, but I passed up the best of them by 480. getting drunk at exactly the wrong time. Liquor had ceased 481. to be a luxury; It had become a necessity. What few 482. dollars I did make were devoted to keeping my credit good at 483. the bars. To keep out of the hands of the police and for 484. reasons of economy, I began to buy bathtub gin, usually two 485. bottles a day, and sometimes three if I did a real workman- 486. like job. This went on endlessly and I presently began to 487. awake real early in the morning shaking violently. Nothing 488. would seem to stop it but a water tumbler full of raw liquor. 489. If I could steal out of the house and get five or six 490. glasses of beer, I could sometimes eat a little breakfast. 491. Curiously enough I still thought I could control the situation the 492. and there were periods of sobriety which would revive a flag- 493. ging hope of my wife and her parents. But as time wore on 494. matters got worse. My mother-inlaw died and my wife's health 495. became poor, as did that of my Father-in-law. The house in 496. which we lived was taken over by the mortgage holder. Still 497. I persisted and still I fancied that fortune would again shine 498. upon me. As late 1932 I engaged the confidence of a man 499. who had friends with money. In the spring and summer of that 500. year we raised one hundred thousand dollars to buy securities 501. at what proved to be an all time low point in the New York 502. stock exchange. I was to participate generously in the 503. profits, and sensed that a great opportunity was at hand. So 504. ???? Page 19. 505. prodigious bender a few days before the deal was to be 506. closed. 507. In a measure this did bring me to senses. 508. Many times before I had promised my wife that I had stopped 509. forever. I had written her sweet notes and had inscribed 510. the fly leaves of all the bibles in the house with to that 511. effect. Not that the bible meant so much, but after all 512. it was the book you put your hand on when you were sworn in 513. at court. I now see, however, that I had no sustained de- 514. sire to stop drinking until this last debacle. It was only 515. then that I realized it must stop and forever. I had come 516. to fully appreciate that once the first drink was taken, 517. there was no control Why then take this one? That was it- 518. never was alcohol to cross my lips again in any form. There 519. was, I thought, absolute finality in this decision. I had 520. been very wrong, I was utterly miserable and almost ruined. 521. This decision brought a great sense of relief, for I knew 522. that I really wanted to stop. It would not be easy, I was 523. sure of that, for I had begun to sense the power and cunning 524. of my master - John Barleycorn. The old fierce determination 525. to win out settled down on me - nothing, I still thought, 526. could overcome that aroused as it was. Again I dreamed 527. of my wife smiling happily, as I went out to slay the dragon. 528. I would resume my place in the business world and recapture 529. the lost regard of my fiends and associates. It would take 530. a long time, but I could be patient. The picture of myself 531. as a reformed drunkard rising to fresh heights of achive- 532. ment, quite carried me away with happy enthusiasm. My wife 533. caught the spirit for she saw at last that I really meant 534. business. 535. But in a short while I came in drunk. I could 536. give no real explanation for it. The thought of my new re- 537. solve had scarcely occurred to me as I began. There had 538. been no fight - someone had offered me a drink, and I had 539. taken it, casually, remarking to myself that one or two 540. would not harm a man of my capacity. What had become of my 541. giant determination? How about all of that self searching I 542. had done? Why had not the thought of my past failures and 543. my new ambitions come into my mind? What of the intense de- Page 20- 544. sire to make my wife happy? Why hadn't these things - these 545. powerful incentives arisen in my mind to stay my hand as I 546. reached out to take that first drink? Was I crazy? I hated 547. to think so, but I had to admit that a condition of mind re- 548. sulting in such an appalling lack of perspective came pretty 549. near to being just that. 550. Then things were better for a time. I was 551. constantly on guard. After two or three weeks of sobriety 552. I began to think I was alright. Presently this quiet con- 553. fidence was replaced by cocksureness. I would walk past my 554. old haunts with a feeling of elation - I now fully realized 555. the danger that lurked there. The tide had turned at last - 556. and now I was really through. One afternoon on my way home 557. I walked into a bar room to make a telephone call, suddenly 558. I turned to the bartender and said "Four Irish whiskies - 559. water on the side" - As he poured them out with a surprised 560. look, I can only remember thinking to myself - "I shouldn't 561. be doing this, but here's how to the last time". As I 562. gulped down the fourth one, I beat on the bar with my fist 563. and said, "for God's sake, why have I done this again?" Where 564. had been my realization of only this morning as I had 565. passed this very place, that I was never going to drink again 566. I could give no answer, mortification and the feeling of 567. utter defeat swept over me. The thought that perhaps I 568. could never stop crushed me. Then as the cheering warmth 569. of these first drinks spread over me, I said - "Next time 570. I shall manage better, but while I am about it, I may as 571. well get good and drunk". And I did exactly that. 572. I shall never forget the remorse, the horror 573. the utter hopelessness of the next morning. The courage to 574. rise and do battle was simply not there . Before daylight 575. I had stolen out of the house, my brain raced uncontrollably. 576. There was a terrible feeling of impending calamity. 577. feared even to cross a street, less I collapse and be run 578. over by an early morning truck. Was there no bar open? Ah, 579. yes, there was the all night place which sold beer - though 580. it was before the legal opening hour, I persuaded the man be- 581. hind the food counter that I must have a drink or perhaps die
582. on the spot. Cold as the morning was, I must have drunk 583. a dozen bottles of ale in rapid succession. My writhing 584. nerves were stilled at last and I walked to the next corner 585. and bought a paper. It told me that the stock market had 586. gone to hell again - "What difference did it make anyway, 587. the market would get better, it always did, but I'm in hell 588. to stay - no more rising markets for me. Down for the count- 589. what a blow to one so proud. I might kill myself, but no - 590. not now," These were some of my thoughts - then I felt 591. dazed - I groped in a mental fog - mere liquor would fix 592. that - then two more bottles of cheap gin. Oblivion. 593. The human mind and body is a marvelous 594. mechanism, for mine withstood this sort of thing for yet 595. another two years. There was little money, but I could al- 596. ways drink. Sometimes I stole from my wife's slender purse 597. when the early morning terror of madness was upon me. There 598. were terrible scenes and though not often violent, I would 599. sometimes do such things as to throw a sewing machine, or 600. kick the panels out of every door in the house. There were 601. moments when I swayed weakly before an open window or the 602. medicine chest in which there was poison - and cursed my- 603. self for a weakling. There were flights from the city to 604. the country when my wife could bear with me no longer at 605. home Sometimes there would be several weeks and hope would 606. return, especially for her, as I had not let her know how 607. defeated I really was, but there was always the return to the
608. conditions still worse. Then came a night I when the physi- 609. cal and mental torture was so hellish that I feared I would 610. take a flying leap through my bedroom window sash and all 611. and somehow managed to drag my mattress down to the kitchen 612. floor which was at the ground level. I had stopped drinking 613. a few hours before and hung grimly to my determination that 614. I could have no more that night if it killed me. That very 615. nearly happened, but I was finally rescued by a doctor who 616. prescribed chloral hydrate, a powerful sedative. This reliev- 617. ed me so much that next day found me drinking apparently 618. without the usual penalty, if I took some sedative occasion- 619. ally. In the early spring of 1934 it became evident to Page 22. 620. everyone concerned that something had to be done and 621. that very quickly. I was thirty pounds underweight, as I 622. could eat nothing when drinking, which was most of the 623. time. People had begun to fear for my sanity and I fre- 624. quently had the feeling myself that I was becoming deranged. 625. With the help of my brother-in-law, who is a 626. physician I was placed in a well known institution for the 627. bodily and mental rehabilitation of alcoholics. It was 628. thought that if I were thoroughly cleared of alcohol and 629. the brain irritation which accompanies it were reduced, I 630. might have a chance. I went to the place desperatly hoping 631. and expecting to be cured. The so-called bella donna 632. treatment given in that place helped a great deal. My mind 633. cleared and my appetite returned. Alternate periods of 634. hydro-therapy, mild exercise and relaxation did wonders for 635. me. Best of all I found a great friend in the doctor who 636. was head of the staff. He went far beyond his routine duty 637. and I shall always be grateful for those long talks in which 638. explained that when I drank I became physically ill and that 639. this bodily condition was usually accompanied by a mental 640. state such that the defense one should have against alcohol 641. became greatly weakened, though in no way mitigating my 642. early foolishness and selfishness about drink, I was greatly 643. relieved to discover that I had really been ill perhaps for 644. several years. Moreover I felt that the understanding and 645. fine physical start I was getting would assure my recovery, 646. Though some of the inmates of the place who had been there 647. many times seemed to smile at that idea. I noticed however 648. that most of them had no intention of quitting; they merely 649. came there to get reconditioned so that they could start in 650. again. I, on the contrary, desperately wanted to stop and 651. strange to say I still felt that I was a person of much more 652. determination and substance than they, so I left there in 653. high hope and for three or four months the goose hung high. 654. In a small way I began to make some progress in business. 655. Then came the terrible day when I drank again 656. and could not explain why I started. The curve of my de- 657. clining moral and bodily health fell of like a ski jump. 658. After a hectic period of drinking, I found myself again in [archivist's note: the typewritten manuscript text continues correctly with page 23, but line numbers 659 - 679 remain unknown ] Page 23. 680. Everyone became resigned to the certainty that I 681. would have to be confined somewhere ore else stumble 682. along to a miserable end, but there was soon to be 683. proof that indeed it is often darkest before dawn, 684. for this proved to be my last drinking bout, and I am 685. supremely confident that my present happy state is to be 686. for all time. 687. Late one afternoon near the end of that 688. month of November I sat alone in the kitchen of my home. 689. As usual, I was half drunk and enough so that the keen 690. edge of my remorse was blunted. With a certain satis- 691. faction I was thinking that there was enough gin se- 692. creted about the house to keep me fairly comfortable 693. that night and the next day. My wife was at work and I 694. resolved not to be in too bad shape when she got home. 695. My mind reverted to the hidden bottles and at I carefully 696. considered where each one was hidden. These things must 697. be firmly in my mind to escape the early morning tragedy 698. of not being able to find at least a water tumbler full 699. of liquor. Just as I was trying to decide whether to risk Yüklə 25,47 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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