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700. concealing one of the full ones within easy reach of my 701. side of the bed, the phone rang. 702. At the other end of the line Over the 703. wire came the voice of an old school friend and drinking 704. companion of boom times. By the time we had exchanged 705. greetings, I sensed that he was sober. This seemed 706. strange, for it was years since anyone could remember his 707. coming to New York in that condition. I had come to think 708. of him as another hopeless devotee of Bacchus. Current 709. rumor had it that he had been committed to a state institu- 710. tion for alcoholic insanity. I wondered if perhaps he had 711. not just escaped. Of course he would come over right away 712. and take dinner with us. A fine idea that, for I then 713. would have an excuse to drink openly with him. Yes, we 714. would try to recapture the spirit of other days and per- 715. haps my wife could be persuaded to join in, which in self 716. defense she sometimes would. I did not even think of the 717. harm I might do him. There was to be a pleasant, and I
718. hoped an exciting interlude in what had become a round 719. dreary waste of loneliness. Another drink stirred my 720. fancy; this would be an oasis in the dreary waste. That 721. was it - an oasis. Drinkers are like that. 722. The door opened and there he stood, very 723. erect and glowing. His deep voice boomed out cheerily - 724. the cast of his features - his eyes - the freshness of 725. his complexion - this was my friend of schooldays. There 726. was a subtle something or other instantly apparent even to 727. my befuddled perception. Yes - there was certainly some- 728. thing more - he was inexplicably different - what had 729. happened to him? 730. We sat at the table and I pushed a 731. lusty glass of gin flavored with pineapple juice in his 732. direction. I thought if my wife came in, she would be re- 733. lieved to find that we were not taking it straight - 734. "Not now", he said. I was a little crest 735. fallen at this, though I was glad to know that someone 736. could refuse a drink at that moment - I knew I couldn't. 737. "On the wagon?" - I asked. He shook his head and looked 738. at me with an impish grin . 739. "Aren't you going to have anything?"- 740. I ventured presently. 741. "Just as much obliged, but not tonight" 742. I was disappointed, but curious. What had got into the 743. fellow - he wasn't himself. 744. "No, he's not himself - he's somebody is 745. else - not just that either - he was his old self, plus 746. something more, and maybe minus something". I couldn't put 747. my finger on it - his whole bearing almost shouted that 748. something of great import had taken place. 749. "Come now, what's this all about", I 750. asked. Smilingly, yet seriously, he looked straight at me 751. and said "I've got religion". 752. So that was it. Last summer an alco 753. alcoholic crackpot - this fall, washed in the blood of the 754. Lamb. heavens, that might be even worse. I was thunder- 755. struck, and he, of all people. What on earth could one Page 25. 756. say to the poor fellow. 757. So I finally blurted out "That's 758. fine", and sat back waiting for a sizzling blast on sal- 759. vation and the relation of the Cross, the Holy Ghost, and 760. the Devil thereto. Yes, he did have that starry edy 761. eyed look, the old boy was on fire all right. Well, bless 762. his heart, let him rant . It was nice that he was sober 763. after all. I could stand it anyway, for there was plenty 764. of gin and I took a little comfort that tomorrow's ration 765. wouldn't have to be used up right then. 766. Old memories of Sunday School - the profit 767. temperance pledge, which I never signed - the sound of the 768. preacher's voice which could be heard on still Sunday 769. mornings way over on the hillside beyond the railroad 770. tracks,- My grandfather's quite scorn of things some 771. church people did to him - his fair minded attitude that 772. I should make up my mind about these things myself - his spheres 773. convictions that the fears really had their mooxx music - 774. but his denial of the right of preachers to tell him how 775. he should listen - his perfect lack of fear when he men- 776. tioned these things just before his death - these memories 777. surged up out of my childhood as I listened to my friend. 778. My own gorge rose for a moment to an all time high as my 779. anti-preacher - anti-church folk sentiment welled up in- 780. side me. These feelings soon gave way to respectful at- 781. tention as my former drinking companion rattled on. 782. Without knowing it, I stood at the great turning point of 783. my life - I was on the threshold of a fourth dimension 784. of existence that I had doubtfully heard some people des 785. describe and others pretend to have. 786. He went on to lay before me a simple 787. proposal. It was so simple and so little 788. complicated with the theology and dogma 789. I had associated with religion that by 790. degrees I became astonished and delighted. 791. I was astonished because a thing so simple 792. could accomplish the profound result I now 793. beheld in the person of my friend. To say that 794. I was delighted is putting it mildly , for I 795. relized that I could go for his program also. 796. Like all but a few u human beings I had truele 797. believed in the existence of a power greater 798. than myself true athiests are really very scarce. 799. It always seemed to me more difficult and illogical 800. to be an athiest than to believe there is a 801. certain amount of law and order and purpose 802. underlying the universe. The faith of an athiest 803. in his convictions is far more blind then that 804. of the religionist for it leads inevitably to 805. the absurd conclusion that the vast and ever 806. changing cosmos originally grew out of a cipher, 807. and now has arrived at its present state thru 808. a series of haphazard accidents, one of which 809. is man himself. My liking for things scientific 810. had encouraged to look into such matters as 811. a theory of evolution the nature of matter itself 812. as seen thru the eyes of the great chemists 813. physicists and astronomers and I had pondered 814. much on the question of the meaning of life itself. 815. The chemist had shown me that material matter 816. is not all what it appears to be. His studies 817. point to the conclusion that the elements and there 818. meriad combinations are but in the last last 819. analysis nothing but different arrangements 820. of that universal something which they are pleased 821. to call the electron. The physicist and the 822. astronomer had shown me that our universe . 823. moves and evolves according to many precise 824. and well understood laws. They tell me to the 825. last second when the sun will be next eclipsed 826. at the place I am now standing, or the very day 827. several decades from now When Hallyes comet 828. will make its turn about the sun. Much to my 829. x interest I learned from these men that great 830. cosmic accidents occur bringing about conditions 831. which are not exceptions to the law so much 832. as they result in new and unexpected developments 833. which arise logically enough once the so called 834. accident has occurred. It is highly probable for 835. example-that our earth is the only planet in the 836. solar system upon which man could evolve - and it 837. is claimed by some astronomers that the chance 838. that similar planets exist elsewhere in the universe 839. is rather small. There would have to be a vast 840. number of coincidences to bring about the exact 841. conditions of light, warmth, food supply, etc. 842. to support life as we know it here. But I used to 843. ask myself why regard the earth as an accident 844. in a system which evidences in so many respects the 845. greatest law and order' If If all of this law 846. existed then could there be so much law and no 847. intelligence? And if there was an intelligence 848. great enough to materialize and keep a universe in 849. order it must necessarily have the power to create 850. accidents and make exceptions. 851. The evolutionist brought great logic to bear 852. on the proposition that life on this planet began 853. with the lowly omebia , which was a simple cell 854. residing in the oceans of Eons past. Thru countless 855. & strange combinations of logic and accident man 856. and all other kinds of life evolved but man possessed 857. a consciousness of self, a power to reason and to 858. choose , and a small still voice which told him the 859. difference between right and wrong and man became 860. increasingly able to fashion with his hands and 861. with his tools the creations of his own brain . 862. He could give direction and purpose to natural laws apparently 863. and so he, created new things for himself and of 864. [line number skipped in the typewritten manuscript] 865. and do he apparently created new things for himself an 866. [line number skipped in the typewritten manuscript] 867. out of a tissue composed of his past experience 868. and his new ideas. Therefore man tho' resembling 869. other forms of life in many ways seems to me 870. very different. It was obvious that in a limited 871. fashion he could play at being a God himself . 872. Such was the picture I had of myself and the 873. world in which I lived, that there was a mighty 874. rhythm, intelligence and purpose behind it all 875. despite inconsistencies. I had rather strongly 876. believed. 877. But this was as far as I had ever got toward 878. the realization of God and my personal relationship 879. to Him. My thoughts of God were academic and 880. speculative when I had them, which for some years 881. past had not been often. That God was an intelligence 882. power and love upon which I could absolutely rely 883. as an individual had not seriously occurred to me. 884. Of course I knew in a general way what theologians 885. claimed but I could not see that religious persons 886. as a class demonstrated any more power, love and 887. intelligence than those who claimed no special 888. dispensation from God tho' I grant de that 889. christianity ought to be a wonderful influence 890. I was annoyed, irked and confused by the attitudes 891. they took, the beliefs they held and the things 892. they had done in the name of Christ,. People like 893. myself had been burned and whole population put 894. to fire and sword on the pretext they did not 895. believe as christians did. History taught that 896. christians were not the only offenders in this 897. respect. It seemed to me that on the whole 898. it made little difference whether you were 899. Mohamadem, Catholic, Jew, Protesant or Hotentot.
901. fellows approach to God. Nobody could be saved 902. unless they fell in with your ideas. I had a 903. great admiration for Christ as a man, He practiced 904. what he preached and set a marvelous example. 905. It was not hard to agree in Principle with 906. His moral teachings bit like most people, I preferred 907. to live up to some moral standard but not to others. 908. At any rate I thought I understood as well as any 909. one what good morals were and with the exceptions 910. of my drinking I felt superior to most christians 911. I knew. I might be week in some respects but at 912. least I was not hypocritical, So my interest in 913. christianity other than its teaching of moral 914. principles and the good I hoped it did on 915. balance was slight. 916. Sometimes I wished that I had been religiously 917. trained from early childhood that I might have the 918. comfortable assurance about so many things I found 919. it impossible to have any definite convictions 920. upon. The question of the hereafter, the many 921. theological abstractions and seeming contradictions 922. - these things were puzzling and finally annoying 923. for religious people told me I must believe 924. a great many seemingly impossible things to be one 925. [line number skipped] 926. of them. This insistence on their part plus a 927. powerful desire to possess the things of this life 928. while there was yet time had crowded the idea of 929. the personal God more and more out of my mind as the 930. years went by. Neither were my convictions strengthen 931. by my own misfortunes. The great war and its 932. aftermath seemed to more certainly demonstrate the 933. omnipotence of the devil than the loving care of 934. an all powerful God 935. Nevertheless here I was sitting opposite a 936. man who talked about a personal God who told me 937. how hw had found Him, who described to me how I 938. might do the same thing and who convinced me 939. utterly that something had come into his life 940. which had accomplished a miracle. The man was 941. transformed; there was no denying he had been re- 942. born. He was radiant of something which soothed 943. my troubled spirit as tho the fresh clean wind of 944. mountain top blowing thru and thru me I saw and 945. felt and in a great surge of joy I realized 946. that the great presence which had made itself felt 947. to me that war time day in Winchester Cathedral 948. had again returned. 949. As he continued I commenced to see myself as in 950. as in an unearthly mirror. I saw how ridiculous and 951. futile the whole basis of my life had been. Standing in 952. the middle of the stage of my lifes setting I had been 953. feverishly trying to arrange ideas and things and people 954. and even God, to my own liking, to my own ends and to 955. promote what I had thought to be true happiness. It was 956. truly a sudden and breath taking illumination. Then the 957. idea came - " The tragic thing about you is, that you 958. have been playing God." That was it. Playing God. Then 959. the humor of the situation burst upon me, here was I a 960. tiny grain of sand of the infinite shores of Gods great 961. universe and the little grain of sand, had been trying 962. to play God. He really thought he could arrange all of 963. the other little grains about him just to suit himself. 964. And when his little hour was run out, people would 965. weep and say in awed tones-' How wonderful'. 966. So then came the question - If I were no 967. longer to be God than was I to find and perfect 968. the new relationship with my creator - with the Father 969. of Lights who presides over all ? My friend laid down 970. to me the terms and conditions which were simple but 971. not easy, drastic yet broad and acceptable to honest 972. men everywhere, of whatever faith or lack thereof. He did not 973. tell me that these were the only terms - he merely said that 974. they were terms that had worked in his case. They were spiritual 975. principles and rules of practice he thought common to all of the 976. worthwhile religions and philosophies of mankind. He regarded them 977. as stepping stones to a better understanding of our relation to the 978. spirit of the universe and as a practical set of directions setting 979. forth how the spirit could work in and through us that we might 980. become spearheads and more effective agents for the promotion 981. of Gods Will for our lives and for our fellows. The great thing 982. about it all was its simplicity and scope, no really religious 983. persons belief would be interfered with no matter what his training , 984. For the man on the street who just wondered about such things, it ws 985. Was a providential approach, for with a small beginning of faith 986. and a very large dose of action along spiritual lines he could be 987. sure to demonstrate the Power and Love of God as a practical 988. workable twenty four hour a day design for living. 989. This is what my friend suggested I do. One: Turn my face 990. to God as I understand Him and say to Him with earnestness - complete 991. honesty and abandon- that I henceforth place my life at His 992. disposal and direction forever. TWO: that I do this in the presence 993. of another person, who should be one in whom I have confidence and if 994. I be a member of a religious organization, then with an appropriate 995. member of that body. TWO: Having taken this first step, I should 996. next prepare myself for Gods Company by taking a thorough and ruth- 997. less inventory of my moral defects and derelictions. This I should 998. do without any reference to other people and their real or fancied 999. part in my shortcomings should be rigorously excluded-" Where have I 1000. failed-is the prime question. I was to go over my life from the 1001. beginning and ascertain in the light of my own present understanding 1002. where I had failed as a completely moral person. Above all things in 1003. making this appraisal I must be entirely honest with myself. As an 1004. aid to thoroughness and as something to look at when I got through 1005. I might use pencil and paper. First take the question of honesty. 1006. Where, how and with whom had I ever been dishonest? With respect to 1007. anything. What attitudes and actions did I still have which were not 1008. completely honest with God with myself or with the other fellow. I ws 1009. was warned that no one can say that he is a completely honest 1010. person. That would be superhuman and people aren't that way. 1011. Nor should I be misled by the thought of how honest I am in 1012. some particulars. I was too ruthlessly tear out of the past all 1013. of my dishonesty and list them in writing. Next I was to explore 1014. another area somewhat related to the first and commonly a very 1015. defective one in most people. I was to examine my sex conduct 1016. since infancy and rigorously compare it with what I thought that 1017. conduct should have been. My friend explained to me that peoples 1018. ideas throughout the world on what constitutes perfect sex conduct 1019. vary greatly Consequently, I was not to measure my defects in this 1020. particular by adopting any standard of easy virtue as a measuring 1021. stick, I was merely to ask God to show me the difference between 1022. right and wrong in this regard and ask for help and strength and 1023. honesty in cataloguing my defects according to the true dictates 1024. of my own conscience. Then I might take up the related questions 1025. of greed and selfishness and thoughtlessness. How far and in what 1026. connection had I strayed and was I straying in these particulars? 1027. I was assured I could make a good long list if I got honest enough 1028. and vigorous enough. Then there was the question of real love for 1029. all of my fellows including my family, my friends and my enemies 1030. Had I been completely loving toward all of these at all times 1031. and places. If not, down in the book it must go and of course 1032. everyone could put plenty down along that line.
1034. feriority, pride and egotism, were thingsx attitudes which 1035. distorted ones perspective suc and usefulness to entertain such 1036. sentiments and attitudes was to shut oneself off from God and 1037. people about us. Therefore it would be necessary for me to 1038. examine myself critically in this respect and write down my 1039. conclusions. 1040. Step number three required that I carefully go over my 1041. personal inventory and definitely arrive at the conclusion that 1042. I was now willing to rid myself of all these defects moreover 1043. I was to understand that this would not be accomplished by 1044. [line number skipped] 1045. myself alone, therefore I was to humbly ask God that he take 1046. these handicaps away. To make sure that I had become really 1047. honest in this desire, I should sit down with whatever person 1048. I chose and reveal to him without any reservations whatever 1049. the result of my self appraisal. From this point out I was 1050. to stop living alone in every particular. Thus was I to ridx keep 1051. myself free in the future of those things which shut out 1052. God's power, It was explained that I had been standing in my 1053. own light, my spiritual interior had been like a room darkened 1054. by very dirty windows and this was an undertaking to wipe them 1055. off and keep them kleen. Thus was my housekeeping to be ac- 1056. complished, it would be difficult to be really honest with my- 1057. self and God and perhaps to be completely honest with another 1058. person by telling an other the truth, I could however be ab- 1059. solutely sure that my self searching had been honest and effective. 1060. Moreover I would be taking my first spiritual step towards my 1061. fellows for something I might say could be helpful in leading 1062. the person to whom I talked a better understanding of himself. 1063. In this fashion I would commence to break down the barriers 1064. which my many forms of self will had erected. Warning was 1065. given me that I should select a person who would be in ho way 1066. injured or offended by what I had to say, for I could not expect 1067. to commence my spiritual growth at the w expense of another. 1068. My friend told me that this step was complete, I would surely 1069. feel a tremendous sense of relieve accompanying by the absolute 1070. conviction that I was on the right t road at last. 1071.l0 Step number four demanded that I frankly admit that my 1072.deviations from right thought and action had injured other people Yüklə 25,47 Mb. Dostları ilə paylaş:
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