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Chapter 7 - Exploring the social biographical patterns of Dutch mothers’ attitudes 
179 
Nonetheless, the story of Michelle’s youth already revealed that her parents’ 
somewhat “ruthless” upbringing style almost inevitably encouraged her to 
become a very independent woman.   
In the stories of the interviewees, it emerges that the influence of close friends 
on the gender attitudes of mothers seems less than expected. Mothers even 
hesitate to describe the gender attitudes of their best friends. Sometimes, this was 
because they were reluctant to speak for other people, but other times this was 
because they simply did not know. This is revealed through the following quote 
from Sheila:  
“I suspect that sometimes they think ‘gee, why does she work so much?’  I 
think that, yes.” (Sheila, 37 years old, 2 children, 36 hours, egalitarian, 
intermediate education).  
A reason for this lack of knowledge is that most women identify their best 
friends as the ones they have known since high school or later educational years.  
Since their youth, mothers and their close friends have experienced a great deal 
together, such as graduations, weddings, funerals, and the birth of their children. 
At present, these old and dearest friends often do not pursue the same lifestyles as 
the mothers themselves, for example because these friends are without partners or 
children. In addition, most mothers confess that they do not see their best friends 
much, due to the time commitments of work and children, and sometimes because 
their friends live in other areas of the country or abroad. And when they do meet 
up, it is mainly to catch up, so the marital division of labour or concrete work 
schedules are then not main topics of their conversations. 
Often mothers have also made new friends, for example those they have met 
at their child’s school, or else at work. Although mothers are careful when 
describing these new friends as ‘close’, these new friends tend to have more 
similarities with their own current lifestyles, and ‘everyday’ contact makes it 
easier to discuss more everyday subjects, such as household quarrels and 
grievances. As a consequence, it seems that mothers have a more mutual 
influential relationship with these new friends. 
The social pressure of other people in their social environment, other mothers 
in particular, is also discussed by the respondents. It appears that if mothers 
behave in line with the current Dutch norm, which implies a working week  of 
about three days (Portegijs et al., 2008b), then mothers’ narratives reveal how 
much their life style is socially accepted.  
“My sister in law says that I have it perfect, because I still develop myself, I 
am not completely out of the labour market, and at home I can also be very 
much present too.” (Nel, 32 years old, 1 child, 16 hours, traditional/adaptive, 
university degree). 
However, in the case of mothers who do not suit the current Dutch norm – 
either due to being a stay-at-home mother or working full-time – the social 
atmosphere is less accepting. This affects in particular mothers who do not work.  

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Socialized Choices - Labour Market Behaviour of Dutch Mothers 
180 
“The general hip and trendy working women, you know, I feel they have their 
opinion ready. I often want to shout: ‘You don’t know what it’s like, woman, 
to have twins!’“ (Janne, 38 years old, 3 children, stay-at-home mother, 
traditional/adaptive, higher polytechnic). 
“Sometimes it is very difficult because you feel the pressure from outside. 
People ask me:  ‘So what do you do all day?’ They think I drink coffee the 
whole day.” (Mireille, 35 years old, 3 children, stay-at-home mother, 
adaptive, secondary school).  
Mothers with egalitarian gender attitudes seem to be less affected by the 
weaker social circle: 
“You know when you work, you are not concerned with the mothers in the 
schoolyard. What people think of me there has never interested me at all, 
really. I don’t care. No, I even refuse to be sensitive to that.” (Claire, 47 years 
old, 2 children, 36 hours, egalitarian, university degree).  
Nonetheless, also among egalitarian mothers one can perceive a pattern that 
they rather live in social environments that match their own norms and attitudes. 
If norms and values of the neighbourhood differ too much from their own, 
mothers (and their families) seem impelled to move away, because they did not 
feel at ease, of which Cathy (44 years old, 2 children, 32 hours, egalitarian, 
university degree) gives an example: 
“Yes, when we had our son, we decided to live outside Amsterdam. But there, 
I felt the worst mother ever. He was the only one from school who went to 
after-school care. He was picked up in a little van and went to another 
village. All the kids went home for lunch… lunch! Drama - I felt terrible.” 
(Cathy and her partner subsequently decided to move back to Amsterdam).  
Hence, mothers do seem sensitive to real and supposed expectations, and to 
the approval of other people. It is difficult however to perceive whether and to 
what extent these social influences and subsequent feelings affect mothers’ 
attitudes. Nonetheless, the narratives reveal that people do not haphazardly end 
up in matching social environments.   
The influence of supervisors does seem to have a discerning relationship with 
the gender attitudes of mothers. In particular, higher-educated mothers with 
egalitarian attitudes tend to recall positive experiences with supervisors who had 
a re-enforcing and stimulating influence on their career aspirations, above all 
because they got the chance to show the best of themselves.  
“I am always stimulated by my supervisors. Once they even offered me a job 
when I was pregnant.” (Ilse, 43 years old, 3 children, 40 hours, egalitarian, 
university degree).  
“My former publisher, he is no longer at our company, but we still have 
contact. He always gives me a lot of energy when I talk to him about my 

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