Masaryk University Faculty of Education Department of English Language and Literature
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36 "D. No já su vaše švagrová, vítajte pěkně!"
"V. Sakra, to mám štěstí, ţe mám tak D. čupr švagrovou, ale Ch. kde je Francin?", ptal se strýc a dral se do kuchyně a do pokoje.
"A tady, tak co je s tebó? Ty leţíš? Toţ V. sakra, já jsem k vám Gr. přijel na návštěvu, nebudu tady dýl neţ čtrnáct dní."
"Nechajó tě všichni pozdravovat, akorát Bóchalena, I. ta už má po smrti, nějaké D. tachonýr jí dal do polena prach a D. baba, jak to dala do šporherto, tak to vybuchlo a D. lísklo to babu po čuni a zatřepala se a bylo po ní." "Bóchalena?", spráskla jsem rukama, "to byla vaše sestra?" "Ale jaká sestra? To byla U. kmotřenka, baba, která celé den práskala jabka a bochte a třicet let říkala: Děti, já brzo homřo, nic se mi D. nesce dělat, jen bech spala...D. a já jsu taky nějaké maróda."
"A co dělá stréček na C. Jezerech?", zeptala jsem se. Strýc mávl rukou s despektem a vzal Francina za rameno a natočil si ho a velikým hlasem mu s nadšením líčil: "Tak stréc Metud začal být takové divné, a tak četl v novinách:
Nudíte se? Kupte si C. medvídka mývala . A ţe stréc Metud neměl děti, tak si napsal na ten inzerát a za týden přišel ten medvídek mýval v bedýnce.
"D. Your sister in law, you are right welcome." "V. Christ, I'm a lucky lad, to have such D. a fine winsome sister in law, but Ch. what've you done with Francin?", Uncle enquired, rolling on into the kitchen and living-room.
"Here he is, but what's up with the man? Lying down are you? V. Good God, man, Gr. I've come to pay you a visit, I won't be staying more than a fortnight."
Bochalena, I. she's a goner, some D. joker put gunpowder in her woodpile when D. the old thing popped a log on the stove, it went off, D. lammed her right in the mug, and that was that, she just snuffed it." "Bochalena?" I clasped my hands: "Your sister?" "Sister? No. U. Local woman, old girl that crammed herself all day with apples and buns, for thirty years she'd always be saying, 'Oh, you young folks, I'll be gone soon, I D. dinna want to do nothing, just sleep...me neither, D. I'm no exactly one hundred percent."
"And what's our Uncle over in the C. Great Lakes doing?" I asked. Uncle gave a dismissive wave of the hand, and took Francin by the shoulder and turned him round to face to him in a great voice full of glee: "Well now, Uncle Metud over in the Great Lakes he's begun to get a wee bit strange, and one day he read a notice in the paper: Suffer from boredom?
Get yourself C. a racoon. And Uncle Metud, what with having no kids and that, he replied to the ad, and in a week's time the beast arrived, in a packing case. Well that was a thing now! Just like a child, it
37
No bylo to něco! Jako dítě, s kaţdým se kamrádil, ale akorát, C. že co viděl, tak všecko uméval, a tak strécovi Metudovi umyl budíka a troje hodinky tak, ţe uţ je nikdo nedá dohromady. Pak umyl jednó všecko koření. A pak zase, kdyţ stréc Metud rozmontoval bicykl, tak medvídek
mýval mu to chodil umévat O. do potoka
sousedé chodili a říkali: Strýcu Metude, nepotřebujete takové krám? Našli jsme to v potoce!, a jak uţ přinesli několik sóčástí, tak Metud se jde podívat a medvídek mýval mu roznosil skoro celé
bicykl. D. Ty buchty jsó ale dobrý. A ten medvídek chodil na záchod jedině na almaru, tak celý stavení smrdělo tím záchodem, nakonec všecko museli před medvídkem zamykat, a dokonce museli i šeptat.
D. Ty buchty jsó dobrý, škoda, že jsem tak maróda. Ale medvídek dával pozor, kam si dávají klíč, a odemkl si, co kde před ním schovali.
Ale nejhorší je, ţe ten medvídek večer dával bacha a jak stréc Metud dal tetičce hubičku, tak medvídek se sápal a chtěl taky, a tak stréc Metud musel chodit s tetičkó Rozáró na rande do lesa, jako za svobodna a ještě se pořád otáčeli, jestli medvídek nestojí za nima.
dny a medvídek se tak nudil
C. o tom svatým Duchu, ţe rozházel ty veliký kachlový kamna v pokoji a doprasil tak nábytek a peřiny a prádlo v kostnu, made friends with anybody going, but there was one special thing about it, C. you see, the German for racoon is Waschbar, and whatever that racoon saw, it simply had to wash it, and so it washed Uncle Metud's alarm clock and three watches, till nobody could put them together again. Then one day it washed all the spices. And again, when Uncle Metud took his bicycle to pieces, the racoon went and washed the parts for him O. in
were coming along saying: Uncle Metud, would you be needing this piece of junk at all? We just found it over in the creek! And after they'd brought him several bits like that, Metud went to have a look himself, and that racoon had gone off with practically the whole bang shoot. D. My those buns are good though. And that racoon he would only do his business in the wardrobe, so the whole building stank of his pee, in the end they had to lock everything up from him, they even had to start whispering when they spoke together.
watching to where they put the key, it went and unlocked whatever they were keeping from him. But the worst of it was, the animal kept a look-out in the evenings, and soon as Uncle Metud gave Auntie a wee kiss, the racoon went for him and wanted to have some too, so Uncle Metud had to go down to the woods wi' Auntie Rozara courting like before they were married, and still they had to keep turning round in case the racoon was right there behind them. And so there was no time for boredom, till once they went off for two days and the racoon was sae bored that C. this one Whitsun holiday he dismantled the whole big tiled stove in the living room, made such a muck of the
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